Fun facts about my oral contraceptive use:
• The reminder to take my birth control pill (a chewable, generic brand that sounds like the scientific name of a flower that blossoms only at night) on my phone is scheduled for 9 a.m. every day and says “babies making babies!” because I think it is funny.
• I’ve been on and off birth control since I was 17. When I was 17, I asked my gynecologist some very good questions. I read all the instructions the first three times I got my prescription filled. I was a very smart 17-year-old.
• Whether I am on or off birth control usually has more to do with the state of my insurance than the frequency of my sexual activity. Last year my go-to brand switched from $30/month to $900/month after losing coverage without alerting me. Before I cancelled that order, the pharmacist at CVS definitely thought I was picking up for Skye Ferreira (it was 2012, she was blowin’ up).
• When I was living in Istanbul last year, I was not on the pill. Some generic version of two-step Plan B, however, was available for $16 over the counter. When I was popping it on the corner outside of the pharmacy, I dropped one in the street. I did not read the instructions, primarily because they were in Turkish. I did not realize you were supposed to take both pills, 12 hours apart; I thought they just provided an extra. My roommate said, “Well, 50 percent effectiveness is still pretty decent.” I was a very stupid 20-year-old.
• I’m 21-years-old and I am not a women’s health professional. I Google frequently, expecting forums to have 60 percent less misspellings than they usually end up having. I have a modicum of common sense.
Fake science that women between the ages of 18 and 25 have claimed as fact in my presence, and my retorts:
• The Pill makes you gain weight. This has been myth-busted by my gyno — most versions have shown no effect on weight. Don’t pull that on me, girl.
• Birth control makes you ______. Do not make any more blanket statements about birth control. It is probably not accurate for every single contraceptive option out there.
• If I miss a Pill, I just skip it, I don’t double up the next day. Nope, read the information in your Rx packet. It breaks down what to do in essentially every scenario of Pill malarkey, and probably in four different languages, because God Bless America.
• I took Plan B today even though I’m on the Pill because I just don’t remember to take it everyday so … Girl, Plan B provides dosage info too and does not recommend.
• There is a Pill for dudes? Coming hot and heavy towards all you secret sexists in the very near future. You guys ready for some Jezebel think pieces? Pass.
• My birth control was making me feel depressed/anxious/suicidal. Real science seems still inconclusive on this because different drugs have different effects on the gorgeous, unique chemical soup of you. If you feel like you are responding poorly to a new prescription, talk to your doctor. Maybe a brand or system of BC isn’t for you. Don’t be lazy or scared; figure out what works best for your bag of skin and organs that you want to keep un-impregnated.
The takeaway? Your gal pals and I are not informed about all aspects of reproductive health. So what I do think you should do is talk to an expert. We are surrounded by experts. I’m glad you’ve mastered the art of name-dropping Sparknoted Foucault and giving Atwater bathroom blowjobs, but you are not a true expert in almost anything except for being a 19-year-old. For the love of Elizabeth Warren, if you have lady parts and especially if you are “getting some” and you do not yet have a gynecologist with whom you make regular appointments, make all of that happen now. I love my gynecologist. She has the positive, whistle-pitch voice of a dog trainer, which is soothing to me. If you need a rec, I can totally hook you up. If you live anywhere on Planet Earth, I can “Yelp” it for you, baby. If you are at Middlebury, I have heard great things about Laurel. Laurel Kelliher is an FNP at Parton Health Center and she can give you the lowdown on contraceptives of all kinds and probably any FAQs or un-FAQs you might possibly have about body stuff.
Most importantly of all, do you all know that there are free condoms in the Health Center? Is that common knowledge? It should be. If you are throwing down 60 G’s for this universidad and you are not taking advantage of the free condom bowl in the Health Center, take a seat. Are you embarrassed? Honey, I bought 35 individually wrapped Twizzlers at Sama’s today in front of half the hockey team. I will personally retrieve you a handful of assorted condoms from the really nice nurses at Parton.
Artwork by SAMANTHA WOOD
