Metter Puts in His Two Cents on Hot Topics Around Campus

Author: Todd Metter

Okay, so since I haven't written in a while, I figured that I would do this piece Larry King style and just get my two and a half cents in on all the topics that are hot here at the College … Also, it's always nice to see how much trouble I can stir up with this approach — since The Campus fined me after they read my last submission … Also, when I use those three periods in a row — what's that called, an ellipsis? — it makes Microsoft Word very angry, and that's always fun…Okay, so my strategy here is going to be to hit you with some stuff, with just enough depth to be really good and catchy, but not enough substance for anyone to attack me on … Okay, I just got a phone call saying that I can't do this ellipsis thing forever. No matter. On to business …

So room draw is coming, which is always a fun time for all involved, especially Mariah McKechnie, who, through no fault of her own, ends up angering more underclassmen than Baba's … thanks folks, I'm here all year … Hey freshmen, want a hint? My strategy is just to find out who gets the best room draw numbers, become fast friends with them, and buy them lots of pizza from Neil and Otto's, whose new motto is "Open late every night except when school is in session" … Or, I could always just move to the newly opened Portuguese House, which will be taking over Johnson … wait, scratch that, Johnson is next on the College's hit list … actually, that's just what I tell the people on my tours …

Okay, so now I just wanted to lend my support to a couple of things going on right now … all respect and luck to the SGA and its proposal for an African-American Studies major … I can't think of too many other good ways to spend all the money that we're shelling out to the College except maybe for a tuition freeze, or, dare I say it — cut? Maybe the stock market will rocket up again and our endowment will once again rival the GDP of Kazakhstan (sorry Sardar) and then we won't have to pay at all…but wait, aren't tax cuts a bad political idea?…well, that's coming later, in the political section of these words of wisdom…okay…carrying on … So I want to send more of my support out to Kevin King, who in my opinion (I guess this is why the Sports section won't take me) wrote a very interesting piece in last week's paper, which perhaps wasn't as inflammatory as some he's previously done (sorry Kevin) … the only other thing I want to say about that whole slew of issues right now is that I saw a very well done analysis written on one of those "1 in 4 college women is raped" posters…maybe you've seen it; it's next to the ATM in McCullough … all I have to say is post hoc, ergo propter hoc … oh, and why do people say ATM Machine? What's up with that? Then it would be ATMM … or ATMM Machine … sigh … tune in next week, for the evils of the phrase "I could care less" …

Moving on, what's the deal with all of these new secret organizations (sorry Norwich) coming out of the recycled woodwork? I mean, more power to you if you make people think and all that, but at some point scare tactics lose their shock value … not that I'm making any connection between the two, mind you … just seeing people wearing shorts and sandals outside this early in the year scares me … and I'm not referring to when I get up late and run to class…also scaring me was that lovely combination of a warm sunny day when it was snowing … I'd mention that I was cleverly looking for a snowbow, but all my friends punched me when I tried to make that joke work…even my friend Brian the Juggler, who I otherwise consider unequivocally "The Man" … (sorry Brian)…oh, and Middlebury … I need to inform you that Brian the Juggler is now performing at birthday parties and charitable events (I don't know if that includes social houses or not, call him if interested)— he's the real deal…and now I don't have to pay him back for those gambling debts … ahem, okay, here we go…

So you knew that you couldn't get out of here without listening to some political musings … we're talking staggering stuff here…heartbreaking stuff … better than Thucydides, that's for sure…my apologies to the Political Science Department … oh, and my favorite new quotation-from-a-movie-that-applies-to-me for this week? It's from "A Beautiful Mind," Russell Crowe (see, I cater to the ladies in this piece) and all that, and I don't remember the exact quotation but it goes something like this … "I'm not conceited, I'm evenly balanced … I have a chip on both shoulders …" My apologies to whichever movie company's copyright laws I just broke … sort of like downloading mp3s … DVDs … ATMs … anyway…

Oh yeah, so I forgot about politics … here's some goodness…tax cuts are generally not so good of an idea, just on a common sense front … although I suppose that a tax cut that helped everyone and not just some sectors of our people would be a good thing in theory … but communism is good in theory too until … oh, what's that? Okay, my editor wants me not to think so hard. My common sense idea is that if you have a populace paying x level of taxes, more or less without ridiculous levels of complaint, then why do you want to lower taxes? It's a short-term political move, sure, that's how a politician's going to get votes, but eventually come poor economy, taxes are going to get raised back up to original levels, with the effect that the government has less money than if it had maintained the original tax levels…and the voters are now madder too … Perhaps a better saying is "All politics are short-term"…can I patent that one? Maybe the President should have waited until later in this term to push tax relief…once the American people get tired of seeing CNN cover this stuff 24/7 … oh hey, did I tell you my new favorite campaign slogan for the upcoming 2004 election? Re-Elect Gore in 2004 … or is it going to be Howard Dean? I'm thinking of printing up bumper stickers and selling them … If the Chemistry Department is selling molecule boxers, then anything's possible, right?

Well, my time runs short, and… actually, who (whom?) am I kidding? I reached my word limit, and I don't want to type a third paper today…As always, I love comments, about my articles if you must, good jokes too, and bad…sigh … Tell me what you thought of the ellipses (is that how you say it?) Until then, happy spring. And remember my motto — "all the stuff that's fit to print without offending more than half of the people mentioned because I'm only trying to be funny"… Grrr … stupid censors…

By the way, whatever happened to Sale and Pelletier? Maybe the Sports section knows…(sorry Larry)…