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Fashion Faux-Pas by the Book of Golzer

By Middlebury Campus

Author: Durrell Mack

There are only five simple commandments. They are not hard and they should never be broken. Ever. These commandments come from the omnipotent Golzer and I am the prophet that brings you these declarations.

Commandment I: Thou shall never wear thy collar up.

In case you don’t know what this means, it means do not ever wear your collar up. What are you thinking when you do something like that? Do you really think you look cool? Well, I’ve got a news flash for you, Walter Cronkite, you’re not. You look freaking ridiculous.

I might be able to understand if it was windy outside and you did this, but I never see people doing this outside when it’s windy. I only see people do it when they are inside and guess what, there is no wind inside. I must also add, the last time this was cool was when Elvis was alive. And I might add he died a fat blob with a drug addiction. So if you want to emulate a fat blob with a drug problem, pop that collar.

Commandment II: Thou shall always wear socks with thy shoes.

Socks and shoes are two things that have gone together since the beginning of time. They are like peanut butter and jelly, salt and pepper, ham and burger. They just go together. They should never be separated.

Commandment III: Thou shall not wear thy sweater around thy neck.

If you don’t know why you shouldn’t do this, go to Williams. You’ll fit in better.

Commandment IV: Thou shall only wear boat shoes on a boat.

Boat shoes are made for boats and docks, not the land. Hence, they are called boat shoes. Last time I checked, Middlebury College wasn’t a giant boat. So do yourself a favor and get yourself some shoes that don’t have boat in the title.

Commandment V: Only truckers shall wear trucker hats.

If your name is not Bubba or Slim and you don’t drive an eighteen-wheeler you should not be wearing a trucker hat.

The supreme Golzer has spoken and will continue to monitor the campus to make sure no one is breaking these commandments. Any violators need to prepare to feel Golzer’s wrath come down on them greater than something that comes down with a lot of wrath. You have been warned and if you follow these commandments you will not look like an idiot with no fashion sense.

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