Full Speed Ahead: 3rd Gen. Audi A4 Wagon

By Charlie Ascher

Ladies and Gentleman, fret not, the Campus’s greatest car column is back (yes, I know you don’t care, but I care, so show some respect). I assure you that I used my time off wisely. Over the course of J-Term, I dedicated myself to the grueling and complicated task of figuring out the conversion of the Liebowitz-o-Meter to the Patton-o-Meter due to the upcoming presidential switch. Currently, by my calculations, the conversion from Rons to Lauries is roughly 2.45 to 1, but I will have a definite final calculation by the end of the semester. Anyway, it’s time to get back to it with the next edition of Broke College Students in Cars Getting McDonalds.

The Car: Grey, Automatic Transmission, 3rd Generation Audi A4 Wagon

Car Name: Kurt

The Owner: John “from Wisconsin” Geilfuss ’17

Styling: “Real wagons have curves” is the slogan of this Teutonic beast. It’s like your standard boxy wagon, but … curvier. It looks a bit like a bar of chocolate that you’ve held just a bit too long in your hand as you debate with yourself whether or not to eat it (spoiler alert: you’re going to eat it, your self-control sucks). It’s an all around good-looking wagon. Personally, I think that the headlights and taillights are a little bit droopy looking, like they’re trying desperately to stay awake after a rough night in Bi-Hall but it just isn’t working too well. It looks solid though with nice strong character lines on either side. Bonus points because it’s a wagon.

Liebowitz-o-Meter: 4.5/5 Rons

Interior: Let’s just say that John Geilfuss thinks of a car’s floor as a storage zone for empty seltzer cans. The floor of this German beast holds perhaps the country’s greatest mobile collection of 20th-century seltzer cans, covering a whole range of years and flavors! (Seriously John, clean up your car!) Other than that, the front seats are super comfortable and supportive. The steering wheel feels nicely weighted and is at least 100x more confidence inspiring than Atwater tongs in your hands, which, considering that it’s designed to drive a car rather than pick up chicken Caesar salad, is a good thing. Our official Bosnian back seat tester (BBST for short,) Karlo Škarica ’17, gave mixed reviews. The BBST cited a lack of behind padding as a flaw of the A4’s back seat. The stereo played the only CD available, Lupe Fiasco’s Food and Liquor, very well.

Liebowitz-o-Meter: 3/5 Rons because of the can collection, 4.5/5 Rons without

Handling and Performance:  TURRRRBOOOOO. It honestly surprised me when I first touched the gas; this Audi is powerful. After ripping up the Ridgeline lot we screamed out at a totally reasonable and safe 25 miles per hour. The Audi drives really well with nice solid steering feel and plenty of power. The brakes are a bit touchy, but it stops well. The engine does have some turbo lag, but once it gets spooled up there’s plenty of power for whatever you would possibly need to do.

Liebowitz-o-Meter: 5/5 Rons

Drive-through-ability: Truth be told, we were in a formal mood today and all had on our best polar fleeces, so we opted for the McDonalds dine-in experience. Have no fear though; the A4 has every sign of a true drive-through beast. It’s got automatic power windows, there are plenty of cupholders for your extra large diet Coke (I totally get that you’re watching your calories), and the window lines up almost perfectly with the drive through window. Unfortunately, the center armrest does not feature a dedicated McNugget pocket.

Liebowitz-o-Meter: 4.5/5 Rons

Final Verdict: Kurt the Audi A4 Wagon absolutely crushed Middlebury’s most grueling automotive test. Kurt handled exceptionally well with plenty of power and great steering. The Audi has ample space for even the vastest of empty seltzer can collections, and the front seats are great, even if the BBST felt the back seats left something to be desired. All-in-all Kurt is just a really solid McDonalds chariot.

Liebowitz-o-Meter: 4.75/5 Rons