Full Speed Ahead: Buy U a McFlurry

By Charlie Ascher

Loyal readers (Hi Mom!), before diving into this week’s column, I would like to give you a heads up. This campus’s very own bastion of automotive journalism (yours truly), has been in contact with the inspiration behind my incredibly complicated reviewing system, the Liebowitz-o-Meter. That’s right, Ron might just end his illustrious career on a high note, by letting a random sophomore drive him to McDonalds. But the Liebowitzmobile is another story for another column. This week features a T-Pain recovery drive. This is Broke College Students in Cars Getting McDonalds: Buy U a McFlurry edition.

The Car: Black, Automatic Transmission, 1996 Audi A6 Quattro Wagon

Car Name: Hans

The Owner: Otto Nagengast ’17

Styling: Mmm so much Germanic wildness here. Look how big the taillights are!  It’s a styling revolution! Seriously, it feels like the only thing management told the designers of this car was to “make it look competent.” This ride is more Middlebury Bach Festival than it is MCAB presents T-Pain featuring 2000 sweaty college students with short-term memory loss and a dream. In all honesty the A6’s complete lack of risk-taking has resulted in a car that still looks handsome (and competent!) almost 20 years later.

Liebowitz-o-Meter: 4.5/5 Rons

Interior: Not one for surprises, the A6 delivers more competence on the inside too. For whatever reason the interior featured a slight hint of the distinct smell of old people (for real Otto, how old are you actually?) but it was kept clean and pristine. The front seats are comfortable and supportive and everything in front of the driver is very logically laid out. Unfortunately I, the world’s only road licensed baboon, was unable to figure out how to make the stereo work; the car would have none of that silly blasting music nonsense because operating a motor vehicle is a serious endeavor (big shout out to Mr. Guetti, my driver’s ed instructor, for making me remember this important fact. I wouldn’t be where I am today without you, sir). Our Bosnian back seat tester was unavailable for this drive so we had to make do with John the Wisconsin back seat tester (WBST.) The WBST gave good reviews, complimenting the abundance of space.

Liebowitz-o-Meter: 4.5/5 Rons

Handling and Performance: Imagine that you’re on a boat and it’s going fast and you’ve got a nautical themed pashmina afghan. Yeah, that’s a bit like what driving the A6 is like. The shocks were getting old so the A6 basically slowly wallowed over bumps, making me feel like I indeed was on a boat. The steering was a bit light for a car this size, but it got the job done. There was plenty of power to get us to McDonalds in a hurry, though the A6 is no speed demon.

Liebowitz-o-Meter: 3.5/5 Rons

Drive-through-ability: It’s got automatic windows, it’s got an automatic transmission, and it’s almost at ideal drive through window height. It’s got the convenience features you need to get your totally unnecessary meal with as little hassle as possible. The A6 does, however, feature one massive drawback: it only has two cupholders in the front, and those two are only can sized and covered by the armrest. This is a problem. The cupholder design is essentially an attempt (as I see it) by Audi to force drinking habits on you, the freedom loving ‘Murican. The Constitution explicitly states that I can purchase whatever sized drink I desire, and therefore these cupholders violate my Constitutional rights as an American. Big Gulp, Big Freedom – vote Ascher 2016.

Liebowitz-o-Meter: 4/5 Rons

Final Verdict: The Audi A6 is an incredibly competent ride. It is a vehicle capable of carrying you, your beloved bag of McDonalds, and some other people comfortably. It’s not the sportiest thing you’ll ever drive and the cupholders are anti-freedom, but all in all it’s a pretty great ride.

Liebowitz-o-Meter: 4.13/5 Rons

Essential Stats: 

Carrying capacity of 5 adults or 6 college students.

Trunk space for approximately 58 30-racks of Natty Ice

McDonalds order: 2 M&M McFlurries, McChicken, McDouble, large Fries.