How is it Still a (Midd) Thing?

By Charlie Ascher

Well here it is, the final issue of the semester. And just like that you no longer have time to do all of those things you said you were going to do. So much for getting your life together. The time is approaching to escape with your sanity, that remaining portion of your dignity and whatever a night of cramming all the readings you “forgot to do” can get you on your exams.

This semester I feel as if I’ve covered all of the issues that needed discussing, totally no exaggeration.

I’ve covered the ever-pressing topics of vegan riblets, Ross smoothies, Battell Bathtubs, BannerWeb and many other undeniable priorities of Middlebury College life.

Ok, but in all honesty, how is my column still a thing?

To quote the always wise Bob and Bob from Office Space, “What would you say you do here?” Well to be totally honest, I have no idea. I guess I write 500 words a week, so there’s that.

I spend every column venting about minor inconveniences that in no way actually matter. Does it matter that the mailboxes are a little bit finicky? Not at all. Do you have to eat the vegan riblets? Nope. And I mean really, have you ever had to take a bath in Battell? I sure hope not… If you did, then please report back that you are, in fact, still alive.

My theme isn’t even original. I stole it shamelessly from the writers of Last Week Tonight. You would think that I could have at least come up with a significantly different title than John Oliver’s “How Is It Still a Thing,” but no. As I stated in the first column of the year, I prefer to think of myself as efficient rather than lazy, so I just threw Midd in there and called it a day. Brilliant. So much for creativity!

If you did, in fact, ride it out and read all of my columns (I’m looking at you, Mom), thanks and congrats.

You have made it through over 5,500 words of a mediocre satirical column that has a strange obsession with arbitrary percentages and references to mediocre movies forgotten by 67 percent of their viewers within one week of watching. (Pro tip: check out the 2006 animated film Barnyard, starring the illustrious Kevin James as a bull with udders, for an example.)

I’m going abroad in the spring, so the quality of writing and reporting in this paper is going way up.
But before I do so, I will bring the maturity of the Campus back down to a middle school level one time during J-term when the car column makes its triumphant return for one last GLaurie Ride. That’s right, in a rare lapse of judgment, President Patton has agreed to drive with me to McDonald’s. It will be the pinnacle of my journalistic career. Stay tuned.