The Charlotte Letters: A Review of Myself


Editor’s Note: In this weekly column Charlotte Frankel will “review very important things on campus, such as the doors to Proctor (they should not have a double-entryway — this is dangerous and unnecessary!), the chairs in that one classroom on the first floor of Gifford, and much more.”

Salutations, and welcome to the best day of your life. Although I have assured the editors of this fine newspaper that an introduction is not necessary, for I am very famous, they have told me this is neither ‘factual’ nor ‘appropriate.’ No matter, if you all must know who I am, so be it. 

My name is Charlotte City-born of House Frankel, the Sunburnt, Queen of the Campus and the First Febs, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea (Battell Beach), Maker of the Inane, Mother of Wagons. You may feel free to use any of my above titles when addressing me. 

I have been tasked with reviewing the most important happenings at Middlebury College for my remaining time here. I will bring you along on my journeys, as I stand between the two doors at the entrance to Proctor to see how many times I get hit (this is a safety HAZARD, and I am determined to prove it in an upcoming installment). Are you interested in the likelihood of being smushed betwixt the electronic racks in the bowels of the Davis “FAMILY” Library? I am, as well. In short, these in-depth reviews will be weekly examinations into the contemporary Middlebury zeitgeist. 

Now that I have laid on my plan of attack for you, let my first official assessment commence. If I am to spend my remaining days passing judgment over others, then it is only fair that I begin by taking a hard look within myself. I shall do this, as is only appropriate, in sonnet form. 

There exists a girl whose name is mine. She

Excels at enjambment. Some may think her

‘Foolish,’ but more like, from Shakespeare. I see

Myself for what I am: an amateur 

At life, wading through the endless atoms.

I am, like you, recycled stardust. We’re 

All the same, defined by local stratum.

My reflection is yours in the mirror. 

Nature is cyclical. I once was. Now

I am rearrangéd, but here still. There 

Is nothing in us inspiring a “Wow,”

More than anything that breathes the same air. 

“Too serious,” you say, so I’ll tell you what,

I’ll end it with my favorite word: “butts.”

I found this process to be rather enlightening, and I hope you all did, too. Anything you would like to have reviewed or any inquiries, personal or otherwise, you may have can be directed to my manager, who at this point is also myself, at I look forward to changing the very fabric of this campus through the power of my words, and I am glad, nay thrilled, to have you all along for the ride. 

Charlotte Frankel is a member of the Middlebury College class of 2018.5

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2 Responses to “The Charlotte Letters: A Review of Myself”

  1. Tevan Goldberg on September 13th, 2018 1:02 pm

    I would like to invoke my duty as a concerned citizen to fact check this libelous “article” that your newspaper so recklessly deigned to publish. Naturally, it is important in a democracy to present dissenting opinions. But when these opinions tread roughshod over the unquestionable sanctity of the Proctor double entryway, I must submit a candid protest. How many lifelong friendships have been struck up through holding not one, but two doors open for a stranger, three meals a day? Or the invaluable benefit of keeping in the dining hall’s heat during the winter, which is never adequate, particularly in the chilly upper floor? Or, most importantly, shall we simply do away with 50% of the space used to post those immaculately designed sports game posters?

    I hope the writer of this column realizes the damage she’s doing to our fragile society and immediately recants this blasphemy.

    Yours faithfully,

    Tevan M.S. Goldberg III, esq.

  2. Charlotte Frankel on September 22nd, 2018 7:20 pm

    Dearest Tevan,

    As you have deemed my libelous, I must respond in kind. Have you polled this assumed number of friendships made betwixt the Proctor doors? Do you have statistics to back up your erroneous claims? I thought so. Indeed, I never once stated I was speaking for the campus as a whole, rather only for myself. I am but a humble servant to the people.

    Best wishes,
    Charlotte Elizabeth Frankel, writer-at-large

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The Charlotte Letters: A Review of Myself