Sex Panther: F*ck Foreplay

Editor’s note: Throughout the semester you’ll be reading articles from Middlebury students of different identities and experiences on all things sex and relationships.

Helloooooo again, sex kittens! I have a topic to talk to y’all about this week that is very near and dear to my heart and that I am 100 percent certain needed to be canceled, like, yesterday. What could a sex-positive Sex Panther possibly have a vendetta against in the world of all things sexy?! Foreplay, of course. 

Yeah. You read that right. Screw foreplay. 

I mean it. Not the actions we associate with foreplay, of course, but the word. Besides rolling a little creepily off the tongue, the idea of foreplay really delegitimizes a lot of fun, feel-good sex. It reinforces that penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex is the be-all-end-all act constituting sex when that is just SO NOT TRUE. Besides feeding into repressive systems of power that go into dictating what gets to (culturally) count as “real” sex, foreplay as a concept naturally reinforces, on some level, the idea that a (cis) penis going in a (cis) vagina is the only natural or acceptable culmination of sexual activity. Foreplay as a concept is heteronormative. It is cisnormative. It is patriarchal, and it is officially canceled because it automatically places everything outside of PIV sex outside the realm of actual sex. 

[pullquote speaker="" photo="" align="center" background="on" border="all" shadow="on"]Foreplay as a concept is heteronormative. It is cisnormative. It is patriarchal, and it is officially canceled.[/pullquote]

I say screw that — in whatever way that means to you. Because there are SO many more ways to have sex than just PIV, and there is SO much more pleasure to be found once you start to break down those internalized notions about the “right” way to screw. Sex isn’t a checklist, and it sure ain’t a baseball game. So throw out the bases, because the only agenda you should be holding yourself to is the one you and your partner(s) make together. 

I guess my issue here is really with how we define sex. Our restrictive definition of sex (missionary, PIV, etc.) automatically means we have to create an extra category just to fit all the other — arguably more fun and exciting — stuff (like oral sex and sex with toys). In the European middle ages, the handy label of “sodomy” did the trick of covering the “other” category. No, really. Basically, any act that was not procreative, missionary, PIV, and religiously ordained could and often did fall under the category of “sodomy” as a sexual sin. This repressive culture of sex has carried over to today, when what we call foreplay is presented as non-essential and even frivolous.

Frivolous? How dare they?! Getting my titties tickled creates sensations of pleasure just as much as touching my clit or being penetrated. Why let this antiquated hierarchy of pleasure based on legitimacy and respectability — and ourselves — keep us from inhabiting our own bodies and owning our own pleasure? This is my problem with foreplay. There’s no room to say “I don’t actually want anything in my pussy at the moment, but I will cum for you if you pinch my tits and talk dirty to me, babe,”  with no other alternative than orgasm. If that’s not what you want if you don’t want to (be) penetrate(d) but want to have sex, there is a massive social consciousness that says, ‘Actually, no, that doesn’t count as sex,’ even though it TOTALLY DOES.

I am not arguing against taking time to turn each other on, to explore the softness and hardness and curviness of each other’s bodies, to finger or fellate, to break out the nipple clamps and blindfolds. Please, by all means keep doing that. Just stop calling it foreplay. 

Instead, why can’t we broaden our definition of what sex means? Why can’t we eradicate PIV intercourse as the pièce de résistance and honor the pleasure our bodies feel from all the other wonderful methods of stimulation available to us? That’s not to say we should shun PIV intercourse altogether by any means. What I am saying is that we need to see it as simply an option on an extensive menu of sex. Prioritize pleasure, not the penis. 

As a queer person who is not too titillated by penis, I challenge you to tell me that the sex I’m having with my partner(s) at any given time isn’t sex just because there’s no penis involved. Because to me, that’s laughable. To me, the sex and pleasure I pursue is infinitely better. It ignores the naturalized progression of sex and instead empowers everyone involved to ask for what they want and to savor every sensation without feeling like there’s some end-goal to get to. Call it what you will, but recognize that everything outside the realm of PIV intercourse is also sex.  

From this point of view, the concept of foreplay just doesn’t make sense. Everything we do is sex and everything we do is foreplay and everything we do can be both at the same time. So don’t tell me that eating someone out, or mutual masturbation, or fingering, or frottage don’t count as sex. Don’t tell me they’re just foreplay. Those sources of pleasure are just as intense, just as important and just as valid as PIV intercourse. It means that sex is still something accessible to everyone; folx of different genders and sexual orientations, folx with disabilities or traumas, folx with STIs or folx for whom placing a penis in an orifice simply isn’t a viable or safe option. So this is my manifesto against foreplay. Only my partner(s) and I get to determine what counts as sex for us, and we don’t believe in foreplay.