Preconceived Assumptions to Fight Against

Every presentation is a representation of an identity I cling to. I am a first-generation college student. Every presentation is a performance, not just a chance to prove myself but a need, too. In college, I’ve experienced countless barriers as a first-generation student. I don’t feel entitled to use school services. I am often scared of asking for help. I am never sure how to choose the right classes and I often feel like I don’t have familial support. 

In high school, giving presentations was something I was very comfortable with. I would always have a couple of notecards, practice once or twice and talk to my peers about whatever topics I was presenting on. Yet once I entered college, I became super aware of how different I was. The first time I gave a presentation, a very new thought came to mind: I was a first-generation student in front of a college classroom filled with students who came from schools with money, resources, and access to things that made it possible for them to give college-level presentations. In some way, my education was less than theirs and did not equip me to give college-level presentations. It has been in these moments that I’ve felt powerless and confused. Why did I subconsciously assume this bias about myself? Unfortunately, this bias is constantly reaffirmed at Middlebury.  

It’s reaffirmed during the first days of class when I already know how I compare to other students. It’s reaffirmed when I hear students studied abroad before college, had tutors throughout elementary and high school, learned a foreign language and felt safe in their schools. Since my first class at Middlebury, I have been aware that I am different. So much so that before presentations I need to listen to empowering music from Filipino rappers that reaffirm that I belong and that my identity is within my control. I tell myself that “I am as equal to everyone else” as many times as I can in my head one minute before presenting. During the presentation, I avoid eye contact with everyone because I know that one look at someone and I automatically assume that I am significantly different and less capable. One look is all it takes to reaffirm the bias that I internalized about myself...that I am less.

It’s a defeating experience because a small place in my mind was reminding me I was different, and as such I couldn’t give it my all. This is hard because when you’re a first-generation student, there are so many pressures to constantly give everything your all. At the end of the day, college can feel like an exhausting process that burns us all out. However, I don’t plan on letting that stop me from fulfilling my dreams and my family’s dreams. My brother will attend college soon and I want to help him during his college journey. Especially as we are part of a legacy of constantly fighting against a force that has repressed my family from progression. This fight is a struggle that I have inherited and will be a fight for generations to come.