Well, last week was crazy … to say the least. But just because I’m no longer on Middlebury’s campus doesn’t mean that I will stop doing my best to continue as your trusted Sex Panther. I’m sure everyone’s last week on campus got quite jumbled romantically. I know mine did. I’m usually a very pro “no regrets” person, but your girl/panther has got some serious regrets. The end of days really makes you do some crazy things. It also gives you a phenomenal excuse to rationalize getting rejected — for example, if someone ghosts you, it’s because it’s the apocalypse, right?
Speaking of ghosting, one of my biggest regrets about my de facto senior week is neglecting to include my phone number on my crush list. Granted, my crush list was up for all of two hours before it was quickly removed from its shrine on the bulletin board outside Proctor. A day later, when the dean of students kindly gave the green light to seniors to post them, I was so happy to see the wall filled with lists. I loved seeing everyone not only shooting their shots, but showcasing how much they love their friends through creative mediums like paper plates and Spotify playlists.
In honor of those brave seniors and the spirit of shooting your shot (pandemic or not!), I compiled all the best coronavirus references from dating apps I have been scanning as I shelter in place at home. What better way to pass the time than to chuckle at the bravado and audacity of horny singles, couples looking for a third and people who are “ethically non-monogamous” (trust me, this one shows up a lot)? Without further ado, here’s a selection of my favorites.
“Let’s go on a quarantine date!”
“Shelter in place and chill?”
“Quarantine and chill?” (I cannot even describe how many times I saw this one, and how irrationally angry it made me …)
“Corona and chill?”
“Catch me before corona does.”
“Be my quarantine partner! 6’5”, if that matters” (I don’t want to say that it does, but yes, Steven, it does.)
“Yes, I have toilet paper, but you’re not invited. Netflix and FaceTime?”
“Sorry, I don’t have extra toilet paper or Purell, but I do have Netflix and a strong immune system, so let’s watch Narcos?”
“I’ll die drinking these Coronas before that weak a** virus gets to me.”
“My dearest madams: Seeking a pen pal with whom I can exchange Jane Austen-style letters until this madness passes. Very much obliged, Adam.” (Accompanied by a decidedly modern shirtless selfie … Mr. Darcy would have at least worn a cravat.)
“Funny how you end up on this app when you’re bored. So, on that note… Where the quarantine queens at?? I’m pretty sloshed in the first picture.” (As if that justifies the lack of a shirt …)
“Social distancing is the new dating; not looking for anything serious right now.” (Is anyone?)
“If coronavirus doesn’t take you out, can I?”
“Don’t know if it’s the coronavirus or you that took my breath away.”
“We’re under a three week house arrest with our laptops and phones. If they leave you on read, they just aren’t that interested.” (OK — ouch, little too real.)
“If you have symptoms plz don’t swipe, lol.”
And an honorable mention completely unrelated to coronavirus content:
“Not trying to see titties, just personalities.”