The only dating guide you’ll need this fall semester

By EDYTH MOLDOW

SARAH FAGAN

Has quarantine loneliness got you down? Whether you’re crying into your third pint of vegan Ben & Jerry’s, finding yourself binging “Too Hot to Handle” or flirting through email, we’re all feeling the romantic frustrations of isolation. Since many of us have now returned to campus (and those who haven’t are already sorely missed), here is a list of ideas for your Phase I romantic endeavors. 

  1. Tired of playing GamePigeon 8 Ball? Try FaceTiming your crush to actually establish a solid foundation. This is where you can gauge interest, instead of both being drunk, walking from Brooker to the Grille to share some post-party fries. (Or, even worse, walking straight to your dorm to hook up, still not knowing how you actually feel about each other.)
  2. A socially distanced picnic on the basketball court behind Ross is a sure and steady way to lock in that corona cutie. Add a couple of masks and the only alcohol you’ll need on this date the largest container of isopropyl alcohol you can procure and you have yourself a successful rendezvous. 
  3. Club Penguin Pizzeria dates never fail to impress. For incredible service, perfect pizza and an even better date, look no further.
  4. If you’re looking for something that is not at all cliché, walk on opposite sides of the road down to the Knoll for a moonlit stroll. Once there, lay six feet apart and name as many constellations as you can, or honestly just use the app. We won’t tell anyone.
  5. Make up your own interpretive language and mime from opposite sides of a BiHall window. One person inside, one person outside, and both partaking in a vibrant and very visual conversation. 
  6. Use walkie-talkies and pretend to be in Mission: Impossible. The scavenger hunt will span the whole campus (minus barred buildings), requiring no contact, and the winner takes all. “All” being an air high-five or a kiss blown from across the room. 
  7. If your significant other, member of the preferred sex or person-of-interest happens to be your neighbor, utilize morse code to engage in robust intercourse… I mean, discourse. Three short taps, three long taps, then three short taps translates to SOS, which means, for our purposes: stupendously obsolete seduction. 
  8. [Chorus 1: Sammie] Kiss me through the phone. (Kiss me through the phone.)
  9. Organize a candlelit dinner at a table outside McCullough. Bring battery-operated candles to comply with fire safety precautions and wear your fanciest Blundstones or Chacos. Your MiddView trip leader can serve you and tell you scary stories while you feast on powdered hummus and Kombucha cocktails. 
  10. Hear me out: Hammocks, but make them six feet apart. Hammocks are like giant masks, so they’re super safe.
  11. Send each other handwritten letters of endearment, complete with cursive, a wax seal and a lipstick kiss, through Middlebury campus mailing services. If you’re feeling frisky, send one to your Proc crush or the writer of this article… please. Please.
  12. Please.
  13. We could go to, like, Ross — just like you like to do when you get out of class at 12:15 Tuesdays and Thursdays — and get to-go meals together and then eat them outside of BiHall because we both have class there. 
  14. What if we air-kissed on Battell Beach? Haha, just kidding…
  15. … Unless?

       So now that you have all of these brilliant date ideas under your belt (or your fanny pack), build up the courage to take action on your quarantine crush and turn your relationship into a full-blown pandemic romance. Covid-19 is contagious, but love? Well, take it from me. That’s the strongest bug you can catch.*

 

*Statement not endorsed by the CDC.