Notes from the Desk - 02/17/10

Seeing as Valentine’s Day was just this past weekend, I thought it fitting to use this space to write about those large, intangible constructs we know as love, romance, lust and, of course, anatomically incorrect vital organs and chocolate.

And that’s about as far as I got. So, stumped, I did what all other knowledge-thirsty and unrelenting liberal arts students would do: I turned to Wikipedia. Starting with the history and myth of Saint Valentine, I followed links to Hallmark stats (Valentine’s Day is the second largest card-sending day of the year and, on average, men spend twice as much as women), online dating services (according to eHarmony, they were responsible for two percent of all marriages in America in 2007) and discourse on what constitutes “wooing.”

Warning: this search also yielded some extremely disturbing results. Not only are there an uncomfortably high number of Internet communities of varying creep factor (including, but not limited to, Faceparty, Friendster and Nexopia), there also exists a phenomenon called “seduction communities,” which meet, I kid you not, in “lairs” across the country.

But as I sifted through the social theory on dating and descriptions of sea turtle mating rituals, I came across the medieval concept of courtly love. And while the act of “nobly and chivalrously expressing [a] love and admiration” that is “at once illicit and morally elevating, passionate and disciplined, humiliating and exalting, human and transcendent” may not be your typical Saturday night, I found that, with maybe a little bit of stretching, this notion might be applicable to that Middlebury student, searching for love. For starters, Denis de Rougemont, Swiss author of “Love in the Western World,” said, “Courtly love subscribed to the code of chivalry, and therefore, a knight’s loyalty was always to his King before his mistress.” It may be just me, but I’m pretty sure they were thinking “bros before hoes.” So I decided to give historian and author Barbara Tuchman’s nine stages of courtly love a shot.

1. “Attraction to the lady, usually via eyes/glance”

Ross dining: eye contact is held two seconds too long. You grab an orange as she takes a grapefruit. You quickly smile an awkward smile that says, “This casual and chance meeting over citrus just changed everything.”

2. “Worship of the lady from afar”

Change dining halls: the Proctor crush. She may later be brought up during a late-night conversation in the Milliken 6 boys’ suite. This man-chat may or may not involve supplementary Internet usage.

3. “Declaration of passionate devotion”

The ritual “friending” on Facebook. This bold act says, “Why yes, this is real.” This often-forward act signifies to the receiving party that the prior face-to-face interactions had in fact been both substantive and enjoyable.

4. “Virtuous rejection by the lady”

Today, scholars have been known to refer to this category as “the playing of the hard to get” — a tactic virtually exclusive to the female population. Especially watch for any mention of “having to go help a friend.” Note: this may also be an attempt at gentle rejection. So, yeah, good luck with that one ...

5. “Renewed wooing with oaths of virtue and eternal fealty”

Agreeing to help her with econ and maybe, if it’s serious, lunch the next day.

6. “Moans of approaching death from unsatisfied desire (and other physical manifestations of lovesickness)”

I would say that the female population is pretty familiar with complaints of “unsatisfied desire.” This can often result, for example, from confusion caused by a misinterpretation of the invitation to come over to “watch a movie.” Lovesickness may present itself in the form of decreased participation during bro-meals and loss of interest in Halo.

7. “Heroic deeds of valor, which win the lady’s heart”

Gallantly saving her jacket from the mountains of black North Faces in Fletcher or the beer-covered floor of Palmer; paying for Grille food at the end of a Saturday night.

8. “Consummation of the secret love”

I’m fairly sure this one needs no translation, but if you’re truly stumped, I’m sure Jyoti and the Center of Health and Wellness would be more than happy to help you out with any questions you might have.

9. “Endless adventures and subterfuges avoiding detection”

The 7 a.m. walk of shame to avoid College Street/Battell Beach traffic and the subsequent change from dress to sweats before entering the dining hall for Ross eggs and surprisingly spicy potato wedges. But let us be clear, this ritual is entirely self-deluding. This is Middlebury. Everyone knows. Including your psychology professor.