Student Demands Escort Service

Author: Samuel Rodriquez

When delivering a tour yesterday, a concerned mother raised a valuable point: "Does Middlebury have its own escort service? You see, I do not like the idea of my daughter being alone at night. If she were with a professionally trained escort to suit her needs, I would feel much better." For some reason, the other parents on the tour seemed shocked, dismayed, flabbergasted at this suggestion. Curious. The mother then addressed those other parents, saying: "What? You don't think it's a good idea for someone to walk your son or daughter back from the library late at night? It's just a matter of safety."

With that, it seemed the other parents were suddenly behind her. This mother was quite skilled in the rhetorical arts, and, quite frankly, she had a valid cause. I, unfortunately, could not reassure her or the other parents that Middlebury did indeed have its own escort service. What a shame.

Immediately, I realized something had to be done. How could we stay at the top of the Ivory Tower without our own escort service? According to bathroom graffiti in Starr Library, everyone attending Williams, Amherst and Dartmouth has, at some point in their life, worked for some sort of an escort service. It is mandatory there. What community spirit! Obviously, to get something done, one has to go to the top. I made it a point, during Fall Break, to contact student leaders and administrators to garner support for my escort service campaign.

First things first. I realized that an escort service did not have to be created on a volunteer basis, but that it could actually be a new and exciting source of employment for certain vivacious and willing students. Thus, I set up a meeting with Charlene Bergland, student employment coordinator and service learning assistant, to pitch my idea. "Mrs. Bergland, you have a fine assortment of student jobs here. But have you ever considered hiring students out as escorts? They could be amateurs or we could take time to train them. Either way, it would satisfy one of the most basic needs of our student body. There's definitely a demand for it." Mrs. Bergland was quite busy. She asked me to leave immediately. How unfortunate.

I then spoke to Anne Hanson, dean of student affairs. I said, "Dean Hanson, don't you think it's high-time Middlebury had its own escort service? I think you would be the perfect person to run it. Don't you?" She was furious—two steps away from slapping me in the face. In fact, I was almost suspended. A bit of an overreaction, I would say, but she does have a stressful job.

In case you are wondering, by the way, the Feminist Action at Middlebury (FAM) group has no interest at all in providing the manpower for an escort service either. I am still receiving angry letters from them. What a disappointment.

Lastly, I arranged a meeting with student government association president Brian Elworthy . "Brian," I said, "Why doesn't Middlebury have its own escort service? Don't you think this is something the SGA should sponsor?"

Brian smiled, patted me on the back, and said, "Its good that you came to me." He then handed me a small notecard, directing me to the Chateau Grand Salon. Apparently, I was supposed to visit that room two weeks from Sunday at midnight and ask for "Little Tony G." Codeword: ITALIAN STALLION. Whatever that means…

Students of Middlebury, we have gone far too long without an escort service. Do we want to disappoint mothers on tours when they voice concerned about their potentially lonely children? Certainly not. We must join together for this cause. Just as the astute parent pointed out: no one should have to walk home from the library alone, even if Middlebury is totally safe and such a service is unnecessary. We have the money, and that is all that matters.

NOTE: After writing this article, I was informed by Tamsen Fricke '01.5 that Middlebury does in fact have an escort service, but I was outraged to find out that it did not operate during the day. Middlebury UNITE!