The Rambling Man

Author: Raam Wong Opinions Editor

Trying to write something about sex that hasn't been said countless times before is a daunting task. Like sex, I wouldn't know where to begin. What could I possibly say about sex that people haven't already learned from episodes of "Real Sex," high school health classes and eight years of having a democrat in the White House? Instead, I'll offer a different, more intellectual perspective on sex. As a psychology major here at the College for the last six years, I thought I'd tackle the issue by describing how individuals in our society come to learn about what sex is. So join me friends, as Dr. Wong elucidates on the construct of sex.

We begin our exploration with the carefree and innocent prepubescent years (to be clear, I'm defining "prepubescent" as kids who are before the age of 11 for girls, 13 for boys and 19 for me). For many in our western culture, the first experience with the opposite sex happens when a boy and a girl play doctor together. I was quite fond of this game, but I think I misunderstood its purpose, as playing doctor for me usually entailed pretending to check my friend's temperature, giving her imaginary medicine and helping her determine if her insurance was an HMO or a PPO.

The youth of today can learn about sex much faster by using the Internet. But this is a cause for concern. Using an Internet search engine, kids can find hundreds of adult Websites by simply typing in seemingly-innocent keywords like, "anatomy," "teenager" and "hot jungle sex."

Similarly, kids can learn a little about sex by looking up dirty words in the dictionary. I used to do this all the time. (Used to? Hell, who am I kidding? My dictionary is open to the word "boob" as I write this.) The downside of this, however, was that my mom more than once caught me looking up dirty words. I'd have to lie by saying I was actually looking up words like, "condominium," "peninsula" and "vaginadoon."

A child's exploration of the opposite sex remains innocent and playful throughout these early years until one fateful day when the child's whole, happy-go-lucky life is shattered. This day of course is when he walks in on his parents having sex. I would like to pause for a moment and ask you, the reader, to reflect on this horrendous day. Think back on the utter shock, disgust and fear you felt and have continued to carry with you ever since that day.

OK, come back to me. Dry your eyes, Sissy. This ain't Oprah. If you're like most people, your experience probably went something like this: the parents, thinking the kids are asleep, forget to lock the bedroom door. After they begin to get it on — and consequently reflect on just how long 10 years of marriage to the same person has been — the groggy three-year-old child in flannel pajamas stumbles in and witnesses the most disturbing thing he's ever seen. The traumatized child is left with many questions about what his parents were doing and why mommy and daddy were wearing costumes when it wasn't even Halloween. Scarred for life, this leads the child to a life of weekly therapy, hallucinogenic drugs and a newspaper column.

Why don't we put that messiness behind us, shall we? Youths may also learn a lesson in sex in the classroom. For instance, my fourth-grade class watched the cartoon "Where Do I Come From?" After watching the rather skewed cartoon depictions of sex, most of us were left with the impression that where we "came from" was blue Smurfs playing hopscotch.

Soon enough, the youth hits puberty and his hormones begin pumping like crazy. But just as the adolescent feels like he is reaching his sexual peak and feel like he's about to burst, God plays a cruel joke on him. Alas, the physical signs of puberty begin to show. The adolescent instantaneously becomes positively the single ugliest specimen on the face of the earth. Pimples cover his face and his chicken legs grow out of proportion with the rest of his body. The awkward beast is then forced to look at his lanky, disgusting giraffe-of-a-body and realize no person is ever going to want to date him. It's God's cruel way of saying, "Not just yet, chief."

The adolescent's sexual revolution is further stunted by the high school health class. If nothing else will send a teen into a life of celibacy, the textbooks full of nasty pictures of people afflicted with rashes and STDs will. The student leaves the class believing sex inevitably leads to a life of STDs, illegitimate children and, consequently, membership in the Kennedy family.

Thus, once the adolescent has a sufficient amount of hang-ups and concerns about sex, he is well-prepared for the next step in his sexual development: college. College is a whole different beast all together, which I think The Campus sex poll does a good job of illuminating. So, therefore, I guess I'll skip the subject of sex on campus for now. And you were just getting into it, weren't you? Too bad. As a consequence, I guess this column will be shorter than previous weeks, and I'll end prematurely. Feel free to make up your own punch line here.

www.middlebury.edu/~rwong