The Rambling Man Michael Jackson's Baby, Other Christmas Miracles

Author: Raam Wong Opinions Editor

Despite the efforts of the advertising industry to get us into the holiday shopping spirit as early as last June, I, like most Americans, have yet to get into the Christmas spirit. I am not suggesting that every family needs to have a "Very Brady Christmas," but I do think that certain conditions need to be right in order to feel the sense of holiday excitement.

To begin with, the weather plays a big part in our collective spirit. I realize that the Anthrax scare has made Vermonters nervous about white, powdery substances, but this ban on snowfall is ridiculous. Though the College tries to get us into the spirit by hanging lights on trees and holding holiday sing-alongs, it's hard to get into the "White Christmas" mood when the temperature hasn't dropped below 60 degrees. And that's Celsius. Does anyone else find it somewhat disconcerting that the local sidewalk Santa recently suffered his fourth bout of heatstroke? And due to the lack of snow on campus, the Christmas carols that we sing have had to be updated with new lyrics such as, "Frosty the Mudman" and "Do You Hear What I Hear?… Yes, That's the Sound of the Bi Hall Air Conditioning System."

This lack of holiday spirit extends to the world beyond the College. (This may surprise some students who were not aware that there was a world beyond the College). Due to an increased emphasis on consumption, we as a society are experiencing a holiday malaise. Folks are tired of the holiday parties, burnt our by the shopping malls, too exhausted to look up the definitions to words like "malaise."

The holidays have become solely about shopping. Turn on the radio, and you're likely to be bombarded with commercials announcing, "There are only 20 days left before Christmas." I found this to be an insult to my intelligence. Thank you very much, but I know when Christmas is—Dec. 27. (These reminders seem pointless to me, because, as everyone knows, no one really starts worrying about buying gifts until they announce, "There are only two more shopping hours before Christmas, and the K-Mart is about to close.")

It seems that come Christmas time, people think material objects and money will make them happy. But trust me friends, no amount of money or stuff will make your life meaningful. Unless of course we're talking about a lot of money, like over 1200 bucks, in which case you could spend it on a killer used RV or something.

In order to return back to the true spirit of the holidays, perhaps it'd be helpful to reflect upon the true, historical origins of Christmas. The holiday began with the birth of Jesus Christ, which many historians have dated around 1952, give or take a couple years. Jesus' original last name wasn't Christ. It was actually a more common last name: "Smith." Thankfully, his parents, realizing that the holiday "Smithmas," didn't exactly roll off the tongue, changed it to "Christ." (I'm pretty sure I'm going straight to hell for that one. Not because it's blasphemous, but because it's a really awful joke.)

The birth was considered a miracle because one of Jesus's parents was a virgin. (Such a miracle wouldn't be repeated until years later when Michael Jackson had a baby.) As a side note, the Immaculate Conception would thereafter be used as the explanation used by teenage boys trying to explain to their girlfriend's father why their daughter was suddenly pregnant.

Getting back to the first Christmas, three wise men brought the baby Jesus gifts, which included Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme. From then on, Jesus was a lifelong fan of Simon and Garfunkel. Jesus received other wonderful gifts, such as Tinkertoys, a Tickle Me Noah, and a check for five dollars from his grandmother. And so ended the first Christmas on Dec. 25, 1952.

The lesson from this story is that consumerism was never really associated with Christmas. In fact, holiday merchandise sales and Santa Claus didn't even appear in the Bible until the Book of Revelations. Even now, Santa has become a pretty western, secular creation. For instance, when telling my nephew about Santa, my politically correct, agnostic parents refer to him as "Steve, the Nondenominational Elf."

My point in all this is to encourage you to recapture the Christmas spirit, not by ascribing to particular beliefs in the Christian tradition, but simply by remembering that Christmas can be more meaningful than Razor Scooters and Palm Pilots. Now, that I feel all mushy inside, it's time for me to switch gears, ignore everything I just said and ask for what I want. Therefore, I will devote the remainder of this column to my letter to Santa. Granted, this is a rather unorthodox way of communicating with the big fellow, but I figure since he's used to reading immature kid's fanciful, incoherent letters, there's a good chance he might also read The Middlebury Campus.

Dear Santa,

How's it hangin', dawg? For Christmas I considered asking for world peace or an end to hunger, but that seems cliche. So, I'll just ask for an Easy Bake Oven. I know this is an unusual request for an item normally only asked for by young girls and hungry stoners, but it's something I've always wanted. There's something fantastic about the oven's ability to bake a half-dozen, nickel-sized cookies in only nine hours!

I'm aware that I haven't been especially good this year, as exemplified through my past columns, but I think other people have acted far worse. Far be it for me to tell you how to do your job, but I suggest your list of naughty people only include Osama bin Laden, Slobidan Milosevic and Jennifer Lopez.

Finally, Santa, I think everyone would be quite happy if this Christmas we got some snow and a taste of world peace. Additionally, I would be quite happy, and my parents would be quite embarrassed, if I also finally got my Easy Bake Oven.



www.middlebury.edu/~rwong