Making Sense Across Gender Barriers

Author: Cara Lovell

Even Dr. Deborah Tannen herself was surprised at the number of students, faculty and community members who braved the blowing snow last Thursday night to hear her popular lecture, "She Said/ He Said/ They Said: Communication Across Genders and Cultures." Within seconds, all seemed to find it worth the effort as Mead Chapel resounded with frequent outbursts of laughter and applause. Tannen, author of numerous bestsellers like "You Just Don't Understand" and "Talking from 9 to 5: Women and Men in the Workplace: Language, Sex, and Power," was invited from Georgetown University for the annual John Hamilton Fulton Memorial Lecture in the Liberal Arts and in benefit of the emergency team of the Counseling Service of Addison County.

For all of the times women have cried, "Why can't men just stop and ask for directions?" men have sighed, "Why do women demand lengthy apologies when they know I'm sorry?" and both have asked, "Why does it feel as if I'm talking to someone in a different world?" Tannen had an explanation.

She said that young girls and boys grow and interact mostly in single-sex groups that cause them to develop different "conversational styles." As she illustrated in entertaining videos of children's everyday play, girls tend to share secrets in exclusive pairs or small clusters, while boys often play in active groups with obvious hierarchies. This creates different dynamics for each gender group: girls like to be similar, are critical of domineering friends and are most afraid of being left out, while boys are "cooperative in being competitive," respectful of their leaders and most afraid of being pushed around, Tannen said.

She suggested that these backgrounds greatly affect how men's and women's methods of interaction develop. Buttheir overarching, unspoken messages about their relationships, which she called "meta-messages," remain the same. She responded to the question, "Wouldn't this be a better world if we all just said what we mean?" with "We do say what we mean, just in our own style." She gives three examples of this: making suggestions, recounting one's day and apologizing.

Women tend to make suggestions indirectly by calling attention to the issue or vaguely expressing their preferences (Tannen used the example of asking, "Would you like to stop for a drink?"), while men often throw out their ideas and assume others will contradict them at will. Similarly, when a woman recounts her day she describes every detail, while a man feels that explaining a problem is asking for a solution and is more likely to share, or boast about, his stories with a large group. Apologies usually cause more fights than the event being apologized for because a true apology, which Tannen said should include admission of guilt and the amount of harm done, regret and the intention not to do it again, seems to make men feel weakened.

According to Tannen, each gender often gets frustrated with the other because we naturally want others to explain themselves in our own familiar style. She cautioned, "Women can be fairly critical of men because we want them to be like us." For example, women often feel that men are not paying attention when they face away from the speaker and do not make eye contact because these signs usually mean women are disengaged. Men can have very personal and self-revealing conversations in this manner.

As many students may have experienced when coming to Middlebury, there are also regional and cultural differences in conversational styles within the United States. Tannen gave the example of a New Yorker talking to a Vermonter. The Vermonter would wait for gaps in the conversation to begin talking. On the other hand, the New Yorker would be used to people strategically interjecting and therefore would assume that the Vermonter has nothing to say and cover the lapses the Vermonter is waiting for even more quickly.

Tannen generously allowed time for questions after her lecture, and one of the most interesting was whether the anonymity of online communication wipes out gender differences in conversation. Interestingly enough, men who pose as females in chat rooms are often caught because their traditional male argumentative style contrasts so obviously to the female tendency towards agreement. Tannen related this to coed classrooms, saying that males are more likely to debate and demand negative attention, while females are more likely to avoid criticism and ask questions.

Tannen also addressed the stereotypes her research results often create. She admited that "there's great danger in generalizing" but also stuck to her goal to "describe the world the way it is" and raise awareness. She mentioned the many exceptions to gender-based differences, which most often occur when children are surrounded by siblings or neighbors of only the opposite sex and therefore learn the other style of interaction.

It is comforting to validate reasons for why we sometimes feel as if we are "talking to someone in a different world" when communicating between genders. However, it is perhaps more important to remember that we do live on the same planet with the same goals and struggles and that the bonds of love and friendship are built upon a profound understanding.

"Understanding is the first step towards change," said Tannen at the conclusion of her lecture. She expressed hope that her work "produces respect for people's differences, but at the same time acknowledges the ways we are all the same."