THE RAMBLING MAN Time to Laugh at Bush Again

Author: Raam Wong

In the aftermath of Sept. 11, everyone from late night comedians to columnists have become much more serious, perhaps reluctant to poke fun at our nation or its leaders during a time of war. We here at The Campus have done our part: in his column Bob Wainwright has avoided making jokes about the president, and, always the patriot, I have removed humor from my column altogether. However, my kind-hearted readers have assured me they haven't noticed any difference.

Nevertheless, last month, the skies opened up, and fate gave us an unmistakable signal that it was okay to laugh again: it was the moment when President George W. Bush choked on a pretzel.

This health scare may have been the defining moment of the Bush presidency. Previous presidents have dealt with other health problems — F.D.R. had polio; Kennedy had Addison's disease; Clinton had syphilis. But now it looks as if Bush has that one tragic disease which has inflicted other politicians, celebrities and social house members: stupidity. In all fairness, Bush did attend Yale where he immediately set-out on a presidential track by joining the cheerleading team. He was also a frat boy, which meant that at football games he was often the most "spirited" cheerleader — in more ways than one. Bush held this reputation until his megaphone privileges were finally revoked after he misspelled "Y-A-L-E" during cheers one too many times.

Bush clearly left Yale with little more than a remedial education, which is apparent any time he opens his mouth to say something (or to attempt to swallow a pretzel without chewing it). It has been estimated that Bush's vocabulary consists of a total of 60 words, which is impressive until you consider the fact that 50 of those words are synonyms for the word "execution." As a result of his linguistic deficiencies, Bush is forced to speak slowly and deliberately. It's really a sign of the times that past presidents have feared nuclear war or global warming, while our president fears three-syllable words and snack foods. For instance, an interchange with a reporter during a press conference typically goes something like this:

BUSH: My friend Mr. Putin and I had a very good di-a-logue. (Bush claps his hands with each syllable of "dialogue.")

REPORTER: What was the substance of the meeting?

BUSH: Well, Mr. Putin had a coffee and I had 11 Labatt's Blues.

REPORTER: Is President Putin loquacious?

BUSH: No, I'm pretty sure he's Russian. Or, uh, "Soviet." Whatever the politically correct term is. I guess he's a "Russian-American." Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go meet with a group of disgruntled tribal injuns. I mean, uh, "Native American-Americans."

Nowhere is Bush's dimness better showcased than in the State of the Union address. Visually speaking, Bush looks good, given the number of standing ovations the chamber gives him. In fact, during the last State of the Union there was so much standing up and sitting down that Ted Kennedy thought he was at mass. (At least that's how he tried to explain why he was caught sipping "Communion" wine.)

During his speech, Bush called on the two parties in Congress to put partisan politics aside and get the work done for the American people. Wow, what a novel, refreshing idea. Now, if only those "partisan" Democrats would get in line, I bet Congress could finally give us what we, "the people," really want: global warming, tax breaks for the wealthy and a new national holiday in honor of Enron.

In his speeches, Bush will always trumpet our liberal values, especially the freedom of religious worship. But then he'll go on to invoke God, quote scripture or urge Americans to go to church. Apparently agnostics, pagans and atheists just aren't real citizens in Bush's America.

Wow, sorry about that last paragraph. I forgot this wasn't National Public Radio. Anyway, it's obvious during his speeches that Bush has absolutely no idea what he's saying. But the speeches are always written to appeal to his core supporters, the ones who believe that Bush's words makes a lot of sense: the Christian right, Enron executives and kindergarteners.

During his speeches, Bush mispronounces so many words that sometimes I think it'd be best if Laura stood right next to him and pronounced the hard words for him. I imagine the interchange would go something like this:

BUSH: Thank you for having me here. I feel very. . . uh… (Bush nudges Laura).

LAURA: "Privileged."

BUSH: I've always loved the state of. . . (nudges Laura again).

LAURA: Sound it out, honey.

BUSH: Miss… miss… Mississippi! Yee haw! I got it. Anyway, you know friends, I am the president, but tonight you can just call me, uh…. (looks to Laura)

LAURA: "George."

BUSH: Yes?

LAURA: That's what it says in your speech. Your name is George.

BUSH: Oh, that's how you spell it?

Bush does have some redeeming qualities. He is obviously a man of strong convictions, such as a belief in God, the sanctity of human life and the Easter Bunny. Just kidding about that one. He doesn't believe in the sanctity of human life. And one has to respect the remarkable turnaround Bush made in his personal life when, at 40, he realized his career as an alcoholic wouldn't pan out, and he decided being governor might be a more lucrative profession.

Moreover, he has returned class and dignity to the Oval Office, after years of our nation's official hillbilly, Bill Clinton, having hoedowns in the Oval Office. Bush, in fact, is so concerned with maintaining the honor and dignity of the White House that he requires staff members to wear ties and jackets in the Oval Office (unless of course it's their turn to ride the mechanical bull).

Yet, with the economy in a slump, Bush may have to work extra hard in the 2004 election to hold on to the support of those who put him into office. Indeed, he'll have to do a lot of campaigning if he hopes to maintain the backing of his most critical constituents, mainly Katherine Harris, the Supreme Court Justices and the elderly of Palm Beach, Fla.

Still, it seems Bush's legacy has already been solidified. He'll be remembered as the president who waged war on terrorism, high taxes and solid foods.