WHAT ABOUT BOB?

Author: Bob Wainwright

As I racked my brain tonight, searching in vain for a suitable topic for this week's column, I eventually began to despair. But my despondency was short-lived, however, when I realized that the lack of a topic has never stopped me from writing before. This is interesting though. Normally, I'm able to draw upon real-life experiences when I sit down to write a column. But this week, aside from blowing up my good friend's Suburban, using my yellow "Event Staff" jacket at the men's hockey games to get 23 free hot dogs and my decision yesterday to buy a pet monkey, there's not that much going on.

To be perfectly honest, I feel as though I'm at a crossroads in my life right now. I'm not a boy. Not yet a man though. I think I need a time, a moment that is mine, while I'm in between.

Oh, noooo. Did I just quote Britney Spears' song "Crossroads" subconsciously again? I hate it when that happens. You know, I'm crazy! Oops, I did it again. All right, that's enough. If it happens again somebody better hit me baby, one more time.

MOVING on, I must say that this has always been one of my favorite times of year. (Hold on a second, while I find out what's going on.) Ah yes, because this is the time of year that all the really good college basketball teams get together and play a tournament. Sixty-five of them come in like lions and 64 go out like lambs. And that, my friends, is why they call it March Madness.

Unfortunately, I am no college hoops guru, but I will say that I have seen the names of many of the teams in the tourney and I really like Winthrop's chances. Their first-round opponent is a school called "Dook," which I have never heard of. I don't know much about Winthrop either, but I can't imagine anyone would ever think of going to a school with the name "Dook."

Talking about basketball reminds me of my own playing days back in grade school, a time when I actually had aspirations to become an NBA player.

Needless to say, it was not to be. Yet, I could have picked a better ending. My career ended prematurely because of a broken ankle.

You see, I was on the bench about halfway through my first season. When all of a sudden, Phil Radziwell hit the floor, screaming and grabbing his foot. I was his replacement, and it did not take long for the coach to decide that I would never be given the chance to play again.

What he didn't realize, though, was that I simply hadn't had enough time to become "en fuego." That was my favorite saying in 1994. As I rode the bench, game after game, my one major contribution to the team would be to say the words "en fuego" any time one of our players scored. I was really cool back then.

But let's return to the present. I mentioned earlier that I have decided to buy a monkey. And while that was a lie at the time, like when I told everyone in history class that my great-grandfather died of infant mortality syndrome, I've since decided it is a good idea. (Just so you know, I did blow up my friend's Suburban and get free dogs at the games.)

Now, the reason I think it's a good idea is this. Monkeys are so cool. And I could teach my pet monkey so many things, like how to answer the telephone, and how to use a microwave oven.

I could even dress my monkey up in miniature monkey clothes and have him become a monkey "big man on campus." He and I could stroll into Angela's every Thursday night and talk to all the ladies. I'm sure with his big monkey grin and me being the monkey's owner, one of us would be bound to get lucky. The possibilities are endless.

Perhaps he could sit in a few classes for me. And after that, who knows? I can even imagine him heading up a community council subcommittee.

Now that it's time to conclude, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I have a writer's block. It's sitting on my desk right now. It's gray, shaped somewhat like a square, and it weighs approximately four and a half pounds. And although it appears to have little purpose, its importance is paramount. For as long as it's sitting there, and as long as I can claim ownership, I will always have a writer's block.

And since there is obviously no need for more than one writer's block, I know that no matter what the circumstances may be, I will always have something to write.