THE RAMBLING MAN Midd's Rumor Mill

Author: Raam Wong

Rumors at Middlebury spread like STDs on a Saturday night: they pass between persons, transmit rapidly and spread in a way that makes you feel both good and dirty at the same time. In my seven years here as a student, I've noticed that these rumors are often unfounded and ludicrous, yet they circulate all over campus, from the dining halls to the New Dorms lap pool. The appeal of hearing a hush-hush rumor makes you feel as if you are "in the loop:" that special feeling of inclusion you get when someone decides that you are trustworthy enough to hear their big, important, completely unsubstantiated and preposterous piece of "news."

Rumors are usually transmitted in a process akin to the game "Telephone." In case it's been a while since you last played the game at a Xenia party, I'll explain it. Basically, Joe tells Mary a message. Mary tells Fred a slightly altered message. Fred alters the message a bit more and tells Raam, who ends up completely forgetting the message because he's been drinking. Not wanting to appear out of the loop, Raam fabricates an entirely new rumor about SGA president Brian Elworthy and tells Steve, Jane, Jerome, as well as the dozens of readers on the Middkid.com chat page.

Before going through the telephone-like transmission, rumors start off being quite innocuous, such as, "George W. Bush is president." Yet, after they've been passed around a number of times, the rumor morphs into a silly, unbelievable rumor, like, "George W. Bush is president." In my nine years as a student at Middlebury, I've heard a handful of absurd rumors. Here are a few of them:

The first is that Britney Spears is in the upcoming Feb class. But according to one 13-year-old music insider who I spoke with, Britney has no plans of attending college at this time. The informed insider also revealed to me that Britney may be switching to a different record label, and that Justin Timberlake is "like, soooo hot!". . . I reluctantly concur.

It's not hard to imagine that Britney could get into Middlebury. After all, her list of extracurriculars on her application would likely include recording gold albums and performing at international sell-out concerts. Despite this, the Admissions Committee would likely still mark her down for not volunteering at a soup kitchen or writing her essay on what she learned about herself on an Outward Bound trip.

But on the other hand, this rumor is so absurd, I am convinced it was made up by a psychology major. (I can make that joke — I'm a psych major). I realize that the Feb class tends to be eclectic, but the thought of Britney participating in the orientation ice breaker "Chubby Bunny" wearing only a skin-colored bodysuit brings the term "Febness" to a whole new level. (I can make that joke — I'm a Chubby Bunny.) Without a doubt, with Britney on campus, the Greens would no longer be Vermont's largest mountains. (I can make that joke — I'm a hiker.)

Speaking of big-breasted teen icons, the Dalai Llama came to campus and sparked a rumor of his own. The rumor surrounding Mr. Llama is more of a myth than anything else. You've probably seen the picture hanging in Proctor in which he appears to be juggling three loaves of bread. The truth is that the picture was actually doctored: the third loaf, the one flying through the air, was actually superimposed to make it look like he was juggling. It is my suspicion that this picture was put out as propaganda in a covert concerted effort between Students for a Free Tibet and the Juggling Club to attract more students to their practices: Buddhism and Tossing-and-Catching. The Dalai Llama has pledged never to return to Middlebury for fear of being captured in a photo that would later be doctored so that he was being shot out of a circus cannon.

Another rumor is that the Center for the Arts building was built backwards. This is based on the premise that since the plainer, uglier side of the building faces the street where it's more visible, it must have been built facing the wrong way. But how does a construction company go about constructing a building backwards? (I can make that joke — I'm a dyslexic construction worker.) I feel that would be more than just a slight oversight. Do you think two construction workers were just finishing up the paint job on the building, and one turned to the other and said: "Say, Frank, step back here a moment. Does this building look backwards to you?"

"You know, Joe, now that you mention it, back when we first laying the foundation, I thought we may have been building it completely turned around, but I didn't want to say anything. I just figured you had a vision."

The most common rumors are spread among friends Sunday morning in Proctor. These conversations revolve around who hooked up the night before, just as the given culprit walks by wearing wrinkled evening clothes and a huge post-hookup grin.

These bits of gossip are usually based on concrete observational evidence. Basically, if you see two people at a party conversing for more than two minutes, then it's safe to assume they hooked up, and you are therefore at liberty to spread the dirt around campus.

In my case, my friends don't think a girl is about to hookup with me if we're talking and she appears interested — they just assume she hasn't gotten to know me yet.

Though the majority of rumors may be fabricated, I continue to encourage them on the rare chance that someone might spread a rumor about me in Proctor: "See that Raam guy? He hooked up with the hottest Feb last night. I think her name was Britney."