WHAT ABOUT BOB?

Author: Bob Wainwright

While enjoying the beautiful weather today, I remembered a story that was told to me a year ago by a Middlebury alumnus, who was passing through the College on his way to a summit in Montreal.

Why I remembered his story today, I really do not know. All I can say is that the more I thought about this man and his tale, the more real it became to me until it reached the point that I honestly believed he was sitting beside me once again, relating the story of the time a giraffe led to the downfall of his fraternity.

"I remember it was after a literature class on Mark Twain that my friends and I saw the wretched animal for the first time. From a distance, we were positive it was our faculty advisor, Professor Crane, who was always giving us a hard time about cleaning the house. But once we were within 10 yards or so, we realized that it was not old Crane at all, but instead a full-grown giraffe that appeared to have every intention of entering our house.

"Now, looking back on the whole ordeal, I realize how easily it could have been avoided had we simply bypassed the giraffe on our way inside. But back then, the fraternity system was under immense scrutiny for being too selective and, not wishing to appear inhospitable, we invited the beast inside and even offered him our comfiest couch.

"Since he seemed perfectly content watching 'Sportscenter' amidst empty cans of beer, we soon left to find the house president and inform him of the situation. Much to our surprise Ryan was not disturbed at all by our news. 'Trust me, fellas,' he told us knowingly. 'I've read the College handbook in and out. There's not a loophole in there that I have yet to discover. So believe me when I tell you, that there is nothing illegal with housing a full-grown giraffe in our common room. I do doubt he could ever pledge though, because since giraffes do not wear clothes, we would have to place the pledge pin on his fur, and the handbook explicitly states that no animals may be harmed while on campus.'

"Relieved by Ryan's words of wisdom, and acknowledging that the chances of the giraffe wanting to pledge our fraternity anyway were probably slim, we bid our leader goodbye and returned downstairs.

"There, however, we were horrified to find the entire room in disarray and the giraffe gone. In his place sat Biff, angrily shaking his fist at Kirby Puckett, who had apparently defeated his Brewers with a homer in the ninth the night before. 'Where did the giraffe go, Biff?' I asked him. He looked at me with a glazed stare. 'Oh the guy who was sitting here before? I thought that was old Crane.' When we explained that it was not in fact Crane at all, Biff nodded in an understanding way. 'So that's why he was draining all those beers,' he mused.

"Understanding the severity of the situation, my friends and I immediately ran to the basement where we discovered several broken windows, a hole in the bathroom wall and pieces of an exit sign. And in the middle of the wreckage, and apparently in the middle of a serious game of beer pong as well, slumped the giraffe.

"Well, it did not take long before news of the giraffe's drunken rampage reached every corner of campus, and sure enough, my friends and I each received a letter in our mailboxes asking us to appear before the deans immediately.

"Upon reaching Forest Hall, we found waiting for us all 28 deans (there were fewer back then without the commons system).

"'What bothers us the most,' explained the deans, 'is that you boys allowed this giraffe to engage in an illegal game of beer pong.' 'But the game itself is not illegal,' we explained.

"'Well then, how do you justify serving alcohol to a minor?' they asked. 'In all fairness, do we truly know that the giraffe is not 21?' we replied. This created quite a stir amongst our interrogators, but they finally conceded our point, leaving the matter to be discussed once the proper information was ascertained.

"'But we still have not discussed the issue of the damage the giraffe caused to your house,' said the deans. 'We're afraid such massive destruction, puts you well over your limits as a house. You must be disbanded.'

"In less than an instant, my friends and I realized that we may have made the biggest mistake of our lives. 'But he was our guest!' I exclaimed. 'Are you not to be held accountable for the behavior of your guests?' the deans responded. 'But we thought the giraffe was our advisor when we let him in!' shouted one of my friends. 'Nonsense,' answered the deans. 'Perhaps from a distance a mistake could be made, but up close, there is no doubt that it is a giraffe.'

This final point was indisputable and we were left without a valid argument. The fate of our house was sealed, and all because of a stupid, alcoholic, giraffe. I never saw the beast again, but believe me, if I did, I would waste no time in wringing his neck."