WHAT ABOUT BOB?

Author: Bob Wainwright

Over the course of my three years at this school, I've discovered two things: The first is a secret that I can tell absolutely no one — not even you. And the second is that there will always be a time every semester when you have so much work that you have to scale down your commitments somehow, no matter how implausible such a decision may be. Unfortunately for me, this is that time.

So, in an effort to win back the 20 minutes that it usually takes me to write a column, I've decided to change it up this week and instead transcribe a six-minute interview, which I just conducted with my seven-year-old cousin Will. In case you find his responses equal to my writing style, I've decided to put everything I say in italics. All right, here we go.

Hello Will. Tell us about yourself.

I'm a ninja. Ninjas are the coolest people in the world. We can do anything, even chop people's heads off. Our powers are so sweet.

I know, ninjas are really sweet. This one time, I heard about a ninja who took out an entire town just because they overcooked his steak. But that's beside the point. Tell us your favorite oxymoron.

What's that?

It's a rhetorical figure in which an epigrammatic effect is created by the conjunction of incongruous or contradictory terms.

Oh, ummm …. You're a butthead.

Very good. I would have said cafeteria food myself, but you're not in college just yet. Hey, why do you have all that money coming out of your pocket?

I dunno. I was waiting for you in the common room and it was time for me to take my Ritalin that mom says are necessary to keep me behaved and then the next thing I know I had all this money and no more Ritalin.

Is it bad that you didn't take your Ritalin? What does that do to you?

I have a pet elephant.

Guess that answers my question. Let's try to stick to the plan here, kid. That was totally irrelephant anyway. So, do you have any girls in your life? Plans to get married?

Ew, no way. I'm never getting married.

What about kissing? Do you ever kiss girls?

Noooo! I don't kiss girls. Besides, if a boy kisses a girl, that's when they get engaged and get married. It's the right thing to do.

Do the girls still try to kiss you?

Of course, but I don't let 'em.

To tell you the truth, I'm kind of surprised, because you smell like updawg.

What's up dawg?

Not too much, what's up with you?

You're strange. My mom told me that you're old enough to grow a beard now.

Really? She said that?

Uh-huh. But she said if you did you'd look silly.

Stop changing the subject. What are you doing?

Picking my nose. Do you want to hear a joke?

O.K. Knock, Knock.

Who's ... Wait, I said do you want to hear a joke.

Oh, sorry. Go ahead.

So there was this boy, who was running in the park outside, and he saw a huge gorilla attacking all these other kids. But then he kicked the gorilla in the behind and it fell down. (Bursts out laughing)

That's really funny. I've got one for you now. How many dyslexics does it change to light a take bulb?

I think mine was funnier.

You do, do you? Well, how about this? A guy walks into a bar ...

And it hurt. I've heard it before. I'm seven and three-quarters you know.

Point taken. Tell me, what are you doing after your interview is over?

Mom says we're going to pick up Grandma.

Really? Where does she live?

I don't know, I think at the airport. Because that's where we always get her.

Are you the kid who never learned how to tie his shoes, by any chance?

What? Anyway, I love my grandmother because she always has candy and she taught me the ninja code of honor. She also taught me not to wait too long after I eat before I go to the bathroom. Now I can go everywhere with her.

The sad thing is that I have a few friends at college who could do well by having the same talk with your grandmother every Saturday.

Is it OK to eat Play-do?

Most philosophy students just stick to reading him. Ha! No seriously, I don't think it's that bad for you. I ate Play-do till I was 12, and nothing ever came of it.

You're the reason my mom actually uses when she tells me not to eat it.

Whatever, she doesn't know the ways of the ninja.

What are you talking about?

You didn't know I'm a ninja in addition to being your cousin?

No way! Ninjas are totally awesome! Do you help people or do you just like to flip out for no reason at all?

Depends on my mood. But usually I help people in danger.

Hey, is this like the time you told me your last name was really Pokemon and that you had four of the crystal ball cards?

Sorry, Will. Time's up.