COLUMN What About Bob?

Author: Bob Wainwright

In our annual observance of the shift in the time-space continuum here at Middlebury, last week was rather odd. Monday became Wednesday, Tuesday was Thursday, and Wednesday, which had already been on Monday, was consequently relegated to Friday. Now, no one was affected by this arrogant deviation from the standard Gregorian calendar more than us in The Campus office because, no sooner had Monday arrived, than we realized that we had missed our Wednesday deadline. Luckily, all is well that ends well, and now that Wednesday is Wednesday once again, we're back in action and rearin' to go.
Personally, I'm especially excited for the second half of the semester, because after watching the Angels close out game seven of the World Series three nights ago, a light bulb went off in my head. Now that baseball's done until April, it stands to reason that the Rally Monkey (the chimp who, time and time again, led the Angels to come-from-behind wins), must be out of a job.
So, with that in mind, I decided to hire out the Rally Monkey for the next five months. Considering everything that a senior at Middlebury has to deal with nowadays, from exams to job searches, I figured a little bit of that Rally Monkey magic could do me some good. In case I've lost you, here are World Series announcers Tim McCarver and Joe Buck with a play-by-play of a job interview in my future:
"Well, Tim, things sure don't look like they're gonna work out for Bob today. In the first 10 minutes of this interview, he's already managed to spill the employer's coffee, forget where he went to college and refer to the picture of the guy's daughter as a 'nice piece of …'"
"As I was saying, Joe, before you interrupted me, this isn't surprising in the least. Bob's certainly developed a reputation as a slow starter, and this interview appears to be no different. Don't be surprised if he walks himself home in the next minute."
"Wait, hold on Tim, is this what I think it is? Yes, it is! Bob's just pulled out the Rally Monkey, and we've got ourselves a whole new ballgame."
"You're absolutely right, Joe. Look at that monkey dance. And it appears as though he's done it. Bob's being offered the job, he's signing on the dotted line, and it's over! Once again, Rally Monkey magic saves the day!"
It's occurred to me, though, that some of you might think I'm coming out of left field by talking about a "Rally Monkey" as though he's a national figure. Well, in fact, he almost is. The Rally Monkey was first used by the Angels back on June 6, 2000 in a game, coincidentally, against the Giants. Down by a run in the ninth, the Angels' video crew decided to muster crowd support by showing a clip from "Ace Ventura," in which a monkey is jumping up and down. The crowd went ape, the Angels scored two to win and the monkey's been hanging around ever since.
Not a believer? Well, explain this. In game six on Saturday night, the Giants were winning 5-0 going into the seventh inning. After two Angels reached base, however, out came the monkey, and the Angels rallied to win, surmounting the largest deficit ever by a team facing elimination.
Anaheim fans literally swear by the monkey. One fan named George was quoted in the Sporting News last week saying, "You've got to fear the monkey. That's the bottom line. The Yankees feared it, the Minnesota Twins feared it, and now the Giants. They all have an underlying fear."
As for the monkey herself, some worry that all of this hype has gone to her head. After major roles on "Friends" and "Outbreak" with Dustin Hoffman, and now the common belief that she has mystical powers, the Rally Monkey seems more than willing to wield her newfound power.
Rumor has it that she is claiming "conspiracy" over the fact that her species' status has recently been upgraded from endangered to vulnerable. There are plans for a defamation suit against Peter Gabriel regarding his hit song, "Shock the Monkey." And what's more, before the playoffs began, she hopped out of contract negotiations with the Angels screaming, "Show me the money, Jerry. And I'll show you the monkey!" All this amid disconcerting rumors of illegal possession of Cuban bananas. Yet, despite the power, the money and the illegal fruit, the Angels did win the World Series Sunday night, and the Rally Monkey was with them every step of the way.
Perhaps what most validates the Rally Monkey's following is Vince, the cigarette-toting rally chicken, who can be found at www.rallychicken.com.Vince was hatched as the Giants' fans response to the Rally Monkey about two weeks ago. But what I like the most about Vince is that he is a wake-up call for everyone who allowed themselves to be swept up in monkey mania the past month. For those who ever believed in Rally Monkey magic, even if only for a second, Vince serves as a reminder that those people are … well, stupid.
I'm not trying to be foul. (Vince, the chicken, serves that purpose.) Just realistic. And if you really do believe in magic, grow up. Or else, come talk to me and I'll loan you my lucky astrology mood watch.