COLUMN Zigs' Picks; the NFL with a Sour Twist

Author: Zach Allen

It is time to start looking ahead to the NFL weekend, never mind that it is Wednesday. This is going to be a low rent weekend in the NFL. There will be blowouts left and right, and with a few notable exceptions, the games will not be worth watching. But I know that NFL Sunday ticket holders and I will be watching these games anyway, so let's make some predictions:
Tampa Bay v. Atlanta — I hate picking the Bucs to win anything. They are hopeless, just as the other Tampa sports teams. But their linebackers have speed, and they will be able to control Vick in the Georgia Dome.
N.Y. Giants v. Dallas — Who cares? Quincy Carter is a dud. He has a rag for an arm and he runs his offense like a confused drunkard, calling time-outs for no apparent reason. No NFL team deserves to win with a quarterback like Carter.
Arizona v. Carolina — Rodney Peete is a guaranteed football legend, who almost pulled an upset over the Packers last week to put the Panthers at 4-0. He will carry that team to great heights. Arizona will not win a thing until they throw away Jake Plummer.
St. Louis v. San Fran. — Everyone I know has expressed nothing but pleasure in Kurt Warner's broken pinkie [sic]. This is understandable. An 0-5 Rams is too much to resist, so San Francisco will win.
New England v. Miami — It is worth noting that anything I might be inclined to include here in regards to the Patriots will be subjected to editors with an extreme and outspoken bias. I also face the prospect of retaliation from the numerous gangs of unkempt Patriots thugs who roam this campus. That said, the Patriots have no run defense. That much is obvious; Ricky Williams is due for a big day. I can't figure out why Tom Brady is putting the ball in the air 50 times a game, and it is tough to keep winning when your quarterback is having to do that. Go Miami. They're my pick.
Denver beats San Diego for some reason; Kansas City flogs the Jets because of Chad Pennington and Tony Gonzalez; Washington loses to Tennessee; Pittsburgh over New Orleans behind Tommy Maddox; Indianapolis over Cincinnati; and ,as a final pick, Randy Moss to get drunk and rough up a flight attendant on his bye week ... which leaves just enough space for the game of the week:
Bears v. Packers — Brian Urlacher, Roosevelt Colvin and Warrick Holdman the Bears' linebackers, will have Brett Favre down on his knees and whimpering helplessly for a Percocet by half-time. Anthony Thomas will move through the Packer D like an ox through a wheat field. The score will be so lopsided that Al Michaels and Madden will resort to binge drinking and glue-sniffing by the fourth quarter. It will not be a pretty sight, but the Bears will leave scenic Champaign, Ill., at 3-2, and the Packers will leave a broken team.