COLUMN What About Bob?

Author: Bob Wainwright

Allow me to introduce Ross Merkin. He's a sophomore at Middlebury, and true to his name, he lives in Ross Commons -- 454 Lang to be exact. Ross is an indiscriminate sort of guy. He keeps to himself, spending his free time playing video games and downloading music. But Ross is about to get a little more attention than usual. At least, that's why he came to me.
Most of you are unaware of this, but Ross is undergoing a feat heretofore never even attempted at Middlebury. He is spending the entire month of January indoors.
That's right. Ross will be eating his meals in Ross Dining Hall, brushing his teeth in one of 45 bathrooms, watching television in one of 25 lounges, playing video games in one of 449 rooms, working out in the Ross gym, going to class in room B11 and even occasionally studying in LaForce library.
Yesterday over lunch, Ross explained to me exactly why he's decided to refrain from the open air. "I'm just thankful to the commons administration for making it possible to spend all of J-term inside," Ross stated in between bites of stir-fry and pizza. "I've never been fond of going outside, especially when it's cold, so living here has been a blessing."
When asked about his major, Ross was even more perplexing. "When I came last year, I was sure I'd major in English. But after being placed in Ross, and realizing I'd be living here for the next four years, I knew I'd be an idiot if I didn't choose pre-med. I may be terrible at science, but with Bi Hall only 25 yards from Kelly dormitory, I figured it was worth the lower GPA."
But isn't Ross worried about the side effects of spending 30 days in a single structure? Not really. In fact, he views his decision as a health conscious one. "My first week on campus, I kept getting lost in New Dorms. No matter where I tried to go, I always chose the farthest exit from my destination. But by not leaving, I strip myself of such a quandary.
"And as far as staying healthy," he continued, "I take Vitamin D. Not to mention the fact that I currently stand absolutely no chance of slipping on ice."
Of course, Ross is absolutely right. The only ice on which he might slip is that from the soda machines. But since most of the Middining staff now works in Ross, the chance of there ever being ice on the floor is slim to none.
And while Ross may seem out of his senses, perhaps he's really a step ahead. Vermont is cold but College buildings are heated. Still, for most of us, remaining indoors is not an option. In fact, all we can do is wait and look forward to the day when each of the five commons will have a giant complex of its own, a day when everyone will be able to follow in Ross' footsteps, albeit in separate sets of hallways.