COLUMN What About Bob?

Author: Bob Wainwright

While I always try to keep this column from becoming overly personal, shying away from topics such as the exorbitant number of on-line hits last week's column received, I do, however, feel compelled to mention that I inherited 50 million dollars over break.
Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Wow, what's he gonna do with all that money?"
Well, first things first, I'm going to find that young high school basketball player that everyone's been talking about and I'm going to buy him a whole stack of those retro jerseys he seems to enjoy. Because anyone with skills like his deserves a little gift every once in a while.
But after that, I'm going straight to Fox studios with my reality television series concept. My pitch is basically that I'll be this regular guy, who's just inherited 50 million dollars and is looking for a wife. Fox will provide me with 40 or so potential candidates and over the course of eight weeks I will narrow it down to one. But here's the twist. In the final episode, I will inform the winner that, while I am worth 50 million dollars, in order to marry me, she must sign a pre-nup. It'll be the television event of the year.
I have other golden ideas as well, such as "Axis Upheaval." Picture this: George Bush, Colin Powell, Kim Jung Il, Saddam Hussein, Vladimir Putin, French President Jacques Chirac, the two guys who duked it out in the Russian Parliament the other day, Osama bin Laden and the kid with the stupid facial expressions who does the Dell commercials all living under one roof, each with the hope of winning 25,000 U.S. dollars.
Just imagine Kim Jung Il's crazy antics as he tries to make Bush pay attention to him instead of Saddam; the endless arguments over who gets to be Powell's roommate; the hide-and-go-seek games with bin Laden as 'it;' and the inevitable heart-to-heart talks between Bush and the Dell dude: "Son, you know what I like to call the United Nations when no one's listening? UN-cool. Get it?" "Yeah, dude. So not cool. Hey, could you pass that back?"
As the only French guy in the house, Chirac, of course, will have the ultimate say over the decisions any alliances make, when voting someone out. And Putin will probably side with him, preferring that any argument be settled with fists and vodka in his Parliament. But in the spirit of reality, Bush may then say, "The game is over," and do what he pleases.
Inevitably, the giant SUV that is reality TV will run out of gas and networks will begin to search for the "next big thing." But I'm on top of that too. Imagine a weekly show with nothing to offer but beautiful properties for sale. I'm calling it: Realty TV -- leave out the 'i' for 'intelligence.'