Holt's Harangue

Author: Christian Holt

I'm sure you, or someone you know, has been afflicted by the cold-like virus that's been sweeping through campus. It's a non-deadly plague, preying on the overworked or over-skied Middlebury population. Its symptoms are a headache, allergies, sore throat, the sniffles and John Ashcroft's mood. If you've attempted to communicate with anyone struck ill by the cold, you know what I'm talking about. Their replies to all of your questions come out in grumbles, snorts and curses.
As you may know, there are a billion different advice columnists, some claiming to be "trained and certified doctors" who have in the past offered advice about this cold. And have they cured it? No! That's why my treatments are just crazy enough to work: I lack knowledge of medicine, the cold virus and the human body in general. As an unlicensed, untrained physician, I just know stuff these "doctors" could never think of.
First of all, don't come in contact with anyone. Live a lonely, sheltered life, hoarding, plottin and, scheming the undoing of others. Do not resurface until cold season is over. You know that two-week span in July?
The hoarding of goods: Some people have already boarded themselves up for the long haul, taking with them the majority of Ross Dining Hall's cups. Why they stole so many cups is beyond me. But we won't see them again until the cold season is over. So use those paper cups, or do as I do and drink directly from the soda machines.
Sever human contact: All those books you should have read for that neuroscience final should occupy your time. And when it gets really cold out, you can burn them for fuel.
Learn to hate the healthy people who are out at the Snow Bowl: Wish upon them icy conditions and expensive lodge food.
How does one cure the cold? You'd think this would be something we could cure by now, but it's not. No, our scientists prefer to research biological and chemical weapons, such as the contents of Don King's hair.
Did you notice, though, that, she smiled at you? Smiling a little too much, eh? Well, here are the facts, kids. She loved it when you were sick, out of action for a time. A cold, to parents, is the best time to do the things they want to do but couldn't because you were well. While you sip your soup, she can spend some time with that pool boy.
But I don't like the pool boy, and I sure as heck don't like being sick.
I like being my old healthy, sarcastic self. So here's my take on the medicines on the market that actually treat the symptoms of the cold: We have Tylenol, Sudafed or Nyquil. It is advisable to use only ONE of these at a time.
You should keep that in mind, considering each of one them has enough tranquilizer to put a large elephant, even Rush Limbaugh, under. Whether or not it actually helps the cold, you don't know, since you'll be unconscious. Taking all three will put you in such a trippy state you'll actually understand what the hell Phish is singing about.
Well cheer up, folks. Cold season is almost over, and then, thank the stars! We only have the flu to look forward to.