What About Bob?

Author: Bob Wainwright

Occasionally, when I tell people where I go to college, they reply, "Oh, you must be very good at languages!" To which I say, "No," and the conversation normally terminates shortly thereafter. But even though it would be nice to be ambidextrous and speak multiple tongues, I must say that as far as languages go, English has to be up there with the best of them. Not because, as many might say, the language is universal. Nope, I like English because of its versatility.
I was once in a class, in which a student asked the teacher if there were a word in the English language that contained every vowel and "y." Nonchalantly, the teacher replied, "Unquestionably," which, of course, left us anxiously awaiting an answer. Had the teacher been more forthcoming, however, he might have replied, "uncomplimentary," which is unquestionably just as appropriate.
Now, delving further into our vowels, if one were to ask me about a word in which the vowels come in opposite order, I would reply, "subcontinental." And as for the longest word with all the vowels, those of you who have ever had a treatment for the inflammation of the pancreas are most painfully aware of a pancreaticoduodenostomy.
What about a word with only vowels? I can help there, too. Just hop on the next plane to Aiea, a city in Hawaii.
Or a word with no vowels? This really should never happen, but in 1983 a man named Richard Vlk of Pittsburgh won 20,000 dollars by finding Pepsi soda tops that spelled his last name 1,393 times.
And if you already know the longest word with only one vowel, you must be rather strong, because it is none other than "strengths."
Given that tennis is a back and forth sport, it's only fitting that the longest name with no successive vowels or consonants belongs to former Wimbledon champ Goran Ivanisevic. If only he heralded from the United Arab Emirates...
Shifting towards something of consonants, we discover that the longest word with no repeating letter is "uncopyrightable," and yes, feel free to distribute that fact as your own. By the way, your intestines are the only part of your body, which contain each letter exactly twice.
And, while this is obviously disputable, I found that the longest word in the English language is "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis." Carrying more letters than the mailman, it is a particular lung disease caused by breathing certain particles. Ironically, and unfortunately, most patients stricken with it usually die before the doctor is able to tell them what they have.
Possibly the toughest job for a linguist is thinking of a sentence containing all 26 letters. But luckily for me, I've been to Africa, where I witnessed a herd of retarded zebras, which spend their days hopping and shaking to and fro. Hence, I can offer this final statement: How quickly daft jumping zebras vex!