Zigs' Picks

Author: Zach Allen

It has been whispered in various circles and groups that my previous articles have all been mean, and that I never say anything nice about anyone. I say, so what?
The list of persons, places and things I feel a need to deride is relatively long. I might, for instance, be tempted to libel the two or three Middlebury Snow Bowl ski patrolmen who, on Saturday, first decided that there should be nothing resembling a carnival-like atmosphere at the ski races, and subsequently kicked a drunken, but good-natured, gaggle of spectators off the side of the hill. No sense letting anyone have fun during Winter Carnival, eh?
Or, I might be tempted to engage the publishers of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, who apparently decided that this year's issue should be so full of fold-out ads as to render it useless for all practical applications. When I finally get to open up Daniela Pestova, I don't want to see a damn Mazda or Mr. Peanut.
I could go on here, cursing various sports figures and so forth, but I am going to turn my focus to a particularly foul and noxious breed of the sports world: sports reporters. I think I have figured out the fundamental problem with all sports reporting: it is not necessary or important at all, sports writers/columnists/hosts just try to make it seem like it is.
Essentially what they are trying to do is sell their product --the sport. If people read their article and say, "Hey, maybe the Clippers are ready to turn it around after all," they will go to the game, and then read their paper again in the morning, keeping all involved gainfully employed. Honestly, has anyone ever seen a meaningful post or pre-game interview? Ever? If a reporter says, "Do you think you match up favorably tonight coach," the response will be filled with meaningless garble and half-cooked cliches. What coach has turned around and said, "Well, I really think we're out-classed tonight. We don't have much of a chance, and if we scrape together enough luck to go 2-6 on this road trip coming up I think it will be either because of bad officiating or an act of Providence. We're just not that good."
Remember when Mike Vanderjacht cursed Peyton Manning as a weak-willed cur a few weeks ago? This apparently was enough for Sports Center to do a nine-minute lead-in expose on the kicker's comments, and if you stepped back and looked at it, it was the most useless information probably ever to be aired on cable television. Sports writers should be hoarded up and dumped in a large open pit mine somewhere in Montana. Stop yapping and play the games.
I'll try to think of something more positive for next week.