Holt's Harangue

Author: Christian Holt

I want to get a haircut.
For men, getting a haircut is like robbing a bank: get in, get out, as little blood as possible.
For girls like my sister, it's a bi-weekly life-changing event. They ask each other, "Should I keep it up, or down? Should I get streaks? Should I get a 'Hillary Clinton'?" They then seek answers to these questions from mothers, girlfriends and, of course, Cosmo. They don't want a guy's opinion, because let's face it, we suck at this stuff. We don't look at the hair, so you could have a venomous koala up there and we would be none the wiser.
So asking my sister whether or not I should get a haircut was a bad idea. She told me that women think that long hair is a sign of sensitivity and sexiness. I'm sorry, ladies, but I just have to stay true to myself. I am neither of those things. I'm a humorist, dang nab it, not Brad "I excrete my own form of kitchen grease" Pitt. So don't expect me to be sexually appealing or capable to pull off the "vacant" look. If you want a humor writer with long hair, go check out Dave Barry. He looks like a drunken Edward Scissorhands cut his mop.
My sister also told me that upturned collared shirts are really "hip" now. I never understood how a part of the body could be acquainted with coolness. Let's see what would happen if we replaced the word "hip" with some other parts of the anatomy: "Hey Joe, you look real gallbladder in that shirt!" "Janet, that dress is positively armpit!" And, in my opinion, every guy with an upturned collar looks real sphincter.
To some women, nothing says "I'm a wild man," like a polo shirt with its collar turned up. Apparently, we have nothing here at Middlebury but "wild men." But wait, maybe I'm being too hasty. Citizens of the Arctic (a tropical climate compared to Vermont) have hairy chests to serve as insulation against the cold, so maybe my sister has a point. Long hair could be practical during this glacial winter.
But I own a jacket, so I asked her why I should bother with the long hair. I explained to her that long hair is just so much harder to maintain. I would actually have to make a concerted effort while showering in the morning. Right now, like most guys, I usually don't wake up focused enough to complete the complicated lather, rinse, repeat. I go in there, pour on the shampoo, body soap, toothpaste and aftershave. Every morning, I smell so tingly fresh that I sweat mouthwash. But with the long hair, the aftershave may get caught in the mess and I may lose a shampoo bottle up there or something. I don't want to even think about combing that rat's nest.
My sister told me that I was disgusting, and that girls have enough focus to wash their hair everyday. This is true, but if they are anything like my sister it takes them several hours to complete the process. A girl's morning bathroom ritual could only be timed on a sundial.
A guy's cleaning routine, on the other hand, takes approximately 2.4 to 3 minutes tops. Any longer, and the guy will get slapped with a wet towel, and farted on by other guys on the hall. It's a law.
To finish: I'm getting a haircut. It's not going to be "hip" or "cool" or even "sexy." But with it short, I don't run the risk of it being mistaken for a mullet.
That's a risk no man would want to run.