What About Bob?

Author: Bob Wainwright

By now, most of you have made plans for Spring Break. And while I certainly don't mean to interfere, a little inside information also never hurt anybody. So, with that in mind, here are my top three vacation destinations.
#1. Baghdad, Iraq. Believe it or not, this Spring Break hot spot isn't just a pretty name.
The capital of Iraq, Baghdad is a must-see for anyone who loves tanneries and textile mills.
Running right through the middle of it is the river Tigris, which offers families numerous places to stop and have a bite to eat, while enjoying nature at the same time.
Moreover, if your car breaks down during one of these jaunts, you needn't worry. As any of the locals will tell you, "you can't spell Baghdad without the aghdad," which means oil in Iraqi.
Speaking of locals, now is also a great time to go, because you're bound to see very few of them. Having fled the outer reaches of the country, local Baghdad residents have set up a prime season for tourism in the city, allowing visitors to roam through the Bazaars without bearing the humiliation of not knowing such facts as the current exchange rate or the number of hours before the leader has been told to leave.
#2. Kabul, Afghanistan. For all of you beach goers, this South Asian nation isn't just a possibility, it's the one.
You know it is when the world's most wanted criminal can't even bring himself to travel any further than the border of the country in which he began running. Picture this: you and your girlfriend lying on a warm beach that never seems to end.
You're wearing your favorite bathing suit; she's covered head to toe in cloth. But it's the heat! It's the heat that matters, right? You've been living in freezer the past four months.
Trust me, Afghanistan is the least you can do for yourself. Just, whatever you do, don't step there. Or there. And it's probably best to leave that area alone too. Actually, you know what? Stay right there.
#3. Pyongyang, North Korea. Simply put, there's no hotter place than North Korea right now. A lot of credit has to go to Kim Jung Il's economic stimulus package.
It got local scientists back to work, as well as janitors and other folks who work at the Pyongyang energy plant, which funnily enough, uses plutonium and nuclear fuel rods to provide electricity for the city's population of 2 million.
Don't let the rampant anti-American protests fool you. Completely ignored by most U.S. policy makers and cast aside as Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein wannabes, North Koreans will do anything for your attention.
They're sick and tired of being the leg of the axis of evil everybody forgets. And let's face it, if there's one phrase that gets over-used around spring break, it's "I'm gonna get me some Pyongyang," or something to that effect, at least.
So there you go: my three top vacation destinations for spring 2003.
As for me, I'm off to the best place of all -- Cawker, Kan., to visit the World's Largest Ball of Twine. I sure am ready to unwind.