What About Bob?

Author: Bob Wainwright

Suddenly it hit me. Pretty soon, I'm going to need a job. No more free ice cream at lunch. In fact, no more free lunch. Soon, a lot of things are going to be no more. Why didn't somebody tell me this was all going to end?
Unfortunately, it was an epiphany that led to another realization: I was going to need interviews. Now, in my opinion a job interview ranks up there with a root canal and a day hike up Snake Mountain with Archie from Baba's on the list of things I really want to accomplish.
But some things just have to happen, so I decided the best way to prepare myself would be to go to a JAA (Job Applicants Anonymous) meeting, the only place where people who are notoriously bad at interviews can meet and share their stories.
The meeting began auspiciously, as everybody was told to state their name and nothing else. Unfortunately, this seemed to be Steve's very problem, for no sooner had he said, "Steve," than his entire body went limp. This lasted about ten seconds and then Steve stood up and ran from the room.
Luckily, other people were more candid with their problems. Constance said she couldn't stop giggling in interviews. Larry couldn't help bringing his Labrador retriever wherever he went. Jim had decided it was appropriate to lie on his stomach while filling out the application. "No type of lying is ever appropriate," I quipped, at which point Jim punched me.
One man had called his therapist mid-interview for help in answering a certain question, while another had told his interviewer that if he didn't get the job, it would only prove the management incompetent. Tina had been asked about her hobbies, at which point she began tap dancing on the desk.
Ben admitted to being so nervous that he challenged his interviewer to an arm wrestle, while Sarah recounted the time she showed up to an office thinking the floor was on a tilt, only to realize she was missing a shoe.
Jamie couldn't stop chewing gum, Daryl couldn't help whistling while other people talked to him and Shannon had been taking Polaroid pictures of everyone she met since the age of five. Matt actually received a job offer, but after telling his interviewer of his intention to have the company logo tattooed on his buttocks the following day, the offer was rescinded.
When it was my turn to speak, I could hardly contain myself. "I don't have problems with job interviews," I told them. "You people have problems!"
1 Day Later: "What's your name?" the interviewer asked me.
"Bob..." Suddenly, my entire body went limp, as I mentally prepared to bolt from the room.