What About Bob?

Author: Bob Wainwright

Since it's the time of year that the College offers a couple days for prospective students to visit Middlebury, I thought I'd do my part by telling you the proper criteria on choosing the right school.
When deciding what college is best for you, it's not the students that matter, nor the professors. The weather is of no consequence, and neither are sports programs. And whatever you do, don't consider dorm life or the curriculum. No, prospectives need only take into account the following question: "What's the mascot?"
Let's start with Colby. Their mascot is the white mule. They came up with the idea because they were tired of being labeled as a "dark horse" in football games. So they switched the label around and came up with "white mule." Clever. Now apparently they did this with the knowledge that a mule is the offspring of a jackass and a mare. In other words, it's the bastard child of a jackass. And because of its messed up chromosomes, it's unable to reproduce. But as long as there are female horses and horny donkeys around, Colby will always have its sterile mule to lead the way.
Perhaps the all-time worst mascot is the Williams Eph, pronounced (Eeph) as their website explains twice. Williams came up with the idea because their founder's first name was Ephraim, a name that is surprising uncommon nowadays. And when pressured into coming up with a representative animal as well, Williams decided on a purple cow, in hopes of striking additional fear into the hearts of opposing teams. My beef, however, is not with the cow. It's with the "Eph," undeniable proof that Williams' grads are so presumptuous that they make up their own words.
Next on the list is Amherst, which refers to its teams as the Lord Jeffs. All right, on the count of three, Let's Go Lord Jeffs! Hmmm. Yeah, I can see how they thought that would be conducive to the sporting scene. Actually, the Lord Jeffs sounds more like a bad '60's British rock group. Groovy, baby.
Moving on, the Trinity mascot is the Bantam. A bantam is type of chicken, only smaller. To give you a sense of just how low on the chain of life the bantam sits, when two chickens decide to run at each other head first until one of them veers off course, they call it, "playing bantam."
Of course, the only mascot in the NESCAC actually worthy of being termed a "mascot," is the Middlebury Panther. It's sleek, strong and powerful. Moreover, it's not a person, it could eat about twenty chickens in one bite, and oh yeah, it's father's not a jackass. So let's cut out the needless deliberation and make the obvious choice.
Bates?! Oh, of course. What about Bobcats?