What About Bob?

Author: Bob Wainwright

Well, it sure feels good to be back. You had a fun break, I hope? Where'd you go?
Actually, you know what? I really don't care.
Something has been bothering me ever since we left for vacation two weeks ago, and it is the sign that is currently posted above the main entrance to Ross Dining Hall. It states, "What's on your mind?" and refers to the war in Iraq. Now, it's not the message that irritated me, but rather the sign's initial incarnation, for it formerly read, "What's on you're mind?" Since then, both the apostrophe and the 'e' have been cut out, leaving the sign in its present grammatical state.
But the egregious error that plagued the sign in its earlier form brings up an important lesson for all: When making large signs for general public viewing, try your best not to be a blockhead.
Imagine if the person who made the sign for Ross were the same person hired by Capital One to head their national advertising campaign. Instead of the popular slogan, "What's in your wallet?" ads would end with the words "What's in you're wallet?" printed across the screen. Potential customers would be left scratching their heads, wondering if the Capital One Company had just referred to them as "wallets."
Needless to say, such silly mistakes can undermine an author's purpose and cause. But like most dimwitted decisions, poor grammar can be avoided. With that in mind, and in a mere 200 words, hear now the best grammar you ever gonna get.
1) No sentence fragments. 2) The passive voice is not to be used. 3) Avoid clichÈs like the plague. 4) Comparisons are as bad as clichÈs. 5) Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.
Other important rules include... 6) Always delete commas, that aren't necessary. 7) And don't end a sentence in a preposition. For that matter, don't use a preposition to start a sentence with. 8) Read over what you have written to make sure you haven't any words out. 8) This may seem obvious, but check any numbering you may have as well. 9) If your unsure about contractions do not use them. Let's leave contraction up to our local baseball team, the Montreal Expos. 10) That's weird, I can't find my tenth.
In summary, grammar is crucial for any success in life. I will say I was impressed when the people responsible for the Ross sign corrected their error and released the following statement: "Having discovered the mistake, the sign was immediately changed." Despite the misplaced modifier, which implies that the sign itself realized its own mistake, they're hearts were in the right place.