Zigs' Picks

Author: Zachariah Allen

Well, it has been some time since I have gotten the privilege of appearing in The Campus. A whole world of things has gone on since then, and I don't think I have space to deal with it all, but we'll see what we can get to.
Firstly, I'd like to offer praise for playoff hockey. There is no greater spectacle in sports for my money, save perhaps for the Grand Premiership of the Australian Football League. The NHL Playoffs are two months of high-pressure, fast tempo action. Precision, power and a goaltender with iced nerves and lightning reflexes are what you need in the playoffs, and any team without these assets will quickly be consigned to a golf course. Drama is usually easy to find around playoff time, unless you're watching the Devils-Bruins series. What a wretched spectacle. Watching goons like Nick Boynton and Ken Daneyko scamper around the Continental Airlines Arena ice for 60 minutes is as much fun as learning air conditioner repair. As for the Anaheim- Detroit series (Anaheim leads 3-0), it's depressing to watch another Anaheim team enjoy postseason success; the first, of course, was the Angels, whose World Series win I stood bitterly opposed to. The citizens of Anaheim seem to spend the first half of their teams' seasons sitting in traffic; when playoff time finally draws near they pack the stands of The Pond and pick up thunder sticks and cheer with all their might for a team wearing royal purple and teal.
Baseball is also in season, fortunately, and so is golf, I hear. Saddam Hussein was not much of a baseball fan. He was generally inactive, but when he did get out he liked to fish. Saddam would go out to the old trout hole, heave a grenade or two in the water, and have the subordinate Ba'ath party members scoop the dead fish out of the water with large mesh nets. Saddam is now either lying under an 11-ton pile of twisted concrete wreckage somewhere or has escaped for a life of fishing on the Sea of Azov in southern Russia. Russia? Yeah dude, Russia, where National Security Advisor Dr. Condoleeza Rice was shortly before the Russians decided to evacuate their Baghdad embassy months after every other nation had done so, which was shortly before the entire Iraqi power structure (Ba'ath party, police, Republican Guard Divisions, museum guards) simply disintegrated overnight in rapid and brutal fashion.
But we seem to be drifting here, and there is not much space left. For those of you writhing and wailing in the throes of agony over the Red Sox' mediocre start, I humbly suggest you all calm down and wait for another 100 games before despairing.