Pop Rocks

Author: Lanford Beard

Who was the Father of the "Bling?"

No, it was not P. Diddy - not even Run DMC or Fab Five Freddy before them. It was Liberace.

There's a new Fab Five in town. They're here, they're queer and they're running the show.

Generally I'm not a slave to the corporate hype factory. In fact, I thoroughly despise it, but this summer's focus on all things fey gives me hope for the direction in which the world is turning. Or at least pop culture.

Just over a decade ago, Matt Fielding (called DoorMatt by his loyal followers) was fighting an uphill battle for same-sex, non-platonic handholding on "Melrose Place."

Now NBC has "Will and Grace," Bravo fills a night of primetime with gay-themed shows and Sundance advertises gay movies every day of the month of June (Gay Pride Month).

As an honorary member of the Velvet Mafia, I hold the issue of gay visibility near and dear to my heart.

And, yes, perhaps Carson from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," Brian from "Queer As Folk" or James and Wes from "Boy Meets Boy" are not the gay icons that many of today's political, intellectual queers would have me hold up as icons of the gay world proper, but, in the simplest terms, they are proof that the mainstream is slowly reaching an area of acceptance, representation and (thank God) good fashion sense!

Chris Nutter, in an article for "The Village Voice," termed this phenomenon the "Chelsea Effect," referring to the primarily gay (and unanimously studly) neighborhood of Manhattan.

Sure, the Heartland may not yet have a large population of Metrosexuals or even recognize the virtues of a little well-applied hair product, but when NBC and VH1 are admitting that gay men really do call the shots, the people eventually must listen. As one of Nutter's interviewees says, gay men have "raised the bar."

I make no scruples in taking this moment to stand proudly on my lavendar soapbox and say to the men and women of Middlebury College that we can all learn a few things from the M4Ms of the world.

First tip: Recognize that women are goddesses.

"Girls love gay guys," said Joe Carrino, a 24-year-old trainer who interviewed for Nutter's article. "Why is that? Because gay guys understand them."

In "Boy Meets Boy," the most controversial television series of the summer, the leading man had to choose from 15 men ‡ la "The Bachelor." The difference with this show? Seven of those men were straight because Bravo TV wanted to "counteract gay stereotypes."

Somehow they didn't notice the irony that they sandwiched this program in between two hours of the screaming queens of "Queer Eye" and angered gays and straights alike by this unparalleled discrimination.

I firmly believe that if Trista unknowingly had seven gay men amongst her suitors on "The Bachelorette," she and Andrew would not be the world's happiest couple right now. Gay guys have what girls want and need - an open ear and an ability to pull off words like "fierce" and "faaaaabulous," more specifically when referring to us.

Second tip: Show some skin!

Think of your average McCullough sketchfest. What is the highlight of the night? "Like a Virgin," of course.

Before the disco age - what Nutter calls "the first real gay turf" - the idea of dancing around shirtless and belting out words like "When you call my name it's like a little prayer" would simply have never occurred to any self-respecting straight man.

Now such an action (and your gym-chiseled chest) will get you some game.

Final tip: Women's Lib doesn't equate to Straight Man's vacation.

Although it has caused some flack in the straight community, gay men's very direct courting style works. Bitter about Middlebury's dating scene? My suggestion: make it for yourself!

In conclusion, don't blame this girl for the gay man's rise to power. I just report the trends, I don't create them - that's MTV's job.