Pop Rocks

Author: Lanford Beard

For the last three years I've been a snowflake snatched from the wintry sky. This year I want to be a Lesbian Avenger, donning a rainbow cape with pride and fabulousness. Halloween costumes speak volumes about a person.

The moral majority, crazed though they be, have deemed Halloween a pagan holiday. In response, the PC parade tries to deflect from the Halloween's duplicitous deliciousness, its gluttonous goodness.

Personally, I think these supposed drawbacks are the very foundations upon which we must base our entire outlook on life. We're college students! If we can't focus all of our energies on debauchery, we might as well find one night to howl at the moon - in crazy costumes!

So, I'm going to lay down the law right here and now, friends. Oct. 31 shall no longer be called Halloween, rather Hallow-innuendo.

Conception of costumes, likewise, must incorporate this zest for double entendre (get it, conception?).

Researching the Hallow-innuendo offerings, I've guessed that there is a lot of pleasure to be had in making sumpin outta nuttin.

Take a cue from basic nutrition, or its vicely counterpart empty calories, and dress up as an edible. Once you settled on a mouth-watering costume, the accompanying catchphrase will present itself.

For example, Skittles - "Taste the rainbow" (for anyone who doesn't want to contend with my Lesbian Avenger garb but still wants to go on with their GLBTQ self).

M&M - melts in your mouth, not in your hand (great for guys).

Almond Joy & Mounds - For a couple: "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't." Though, admittedly, the fact that Almond Joy has nuts and Mounds (come on, mounds?) don't is a bit confusing.

Oh, the food possibilities are endless! But what about, say, film innuendos. As an aspiring film critic and a trash-film connoisseur, I would fail you, my faithful readers, to neglect Hollywood's over-sexed, under-clothed potential. Here are some to get you started.

"Pirates of the Caribbean" - "Shiver me timbers!" or "You can be in the movie of my life. It's rated arrrrrrr!"

"Fight Club" - "Hit me, baby, one more time." (And you'll get bonus eclectic points for combining Brad Pitt and Britney Spears... well, maybe you'll only get bonus points with me, but I'll definitely be hot, bothered and available.)

"Stuart Little" - Actually, scratch that one, fellas. It will never work in your favor.

For the ladies, I recommend "Gigli" - if you can't make something hot out of a film that involves J.Lo, J.Lo as a lesbian and a title that most people pronounce as "jiggly," then I really can't help you.

So you see, friends, Hallow-innuendo, or the holiday formerly known as Halloween, is fun if you only approach it like the true hedonist you are.

Embrace the tongue-in-cheek humor (get it, tongue-in-cheek?), and wear your costume with desperation as the good pagans intended.