T.I.M.

Author: Tom McCann and Ryan Reese

Over the past three weeks, the literary wordsmiths McCann and Reese have embarked on a journey through the life of Tim that will leave them forever changed. The changes may not soon surface as the small, subtle ripples on the tumultuous lagoon of life until many moons from today. However, we believe that you, too, can become a better person and lead a richer life by living vicariously through the deep and multidimensional experiences of everyone's hero, Tim Bellis.

Through Tim's infinite and unparalleled wisdom, he has created a hybrid sport that brings together two of humanity's greatest achievements - golf and walls. He calls this game "wa'lf." The magic of Velcro makes this all possible, serving as a temporary adhesive between plastic golf balls and a suspended foam mat, complete with sand traps, water hazards and the coveted and celebrated "Ace."

Tim isn't just the creator of wa'lf, he's also an addict, as evidenced by the Excel spreadsheet that he created to track key statistics. Instead of studying, exercising or doing anything remotely productive, Tim sat down and created formulas and averages for each player, calculating figures such as front-and back-nine hole averages, average stroke per hole, and last three-hole average to ascertain the most clutch performers. He's cool, seriously.

Taking Tim away from wa'lf is not easy, but when presented with the prospect of taking fun yet moronic Internet quizzes such as "What utensil would you be?", "Are you a werewolf?" and "Are you a dork?" his attention is easily diverted. Somewhere in the quizzing process, Tim decided to locate his x10 magnification, convenient, pocket-size hand lens (rock looker-atter thingy), which he typically needs for a "class on rocks" (geology).

While his friends were searching for the next test, Tim proceeded to examine the monitor with said apparatus. To the bemusement of his friends, Tim exclaimed "Whoa! Look at the pixels! You can see all the colors!" At this point in time, the aforementioned quiz "Are you a dork?" appeared and Tim responded confidently, "Well... I don't need to take that quiz." He didn't, but for those of you who have been left hanging, Tim is a fork.

In order to complete the place setting that is Tim's life, Tim the fork is still searching for his knife. He hopes that together they might straddle the plate of love that sits on the table of eternal happiness.

The Girlfriend Exchange Program (GEP) candidate pool, designed to aid the search for the one special knife, recently received its first Middlebury application. Kirsten Nagel '06 has professed her deep and undying love and admiration of our little Timmers. She joins UNL students Crystal, Jill and Joy in the fast-paced NASCAR-like race for Tim's heart. Who knows who will first need to take a pit stop, run out of gas, or have a tire blown out, lose control, crash violently into a wall and erupt into an all consuming ball of flame, thus eliminating her from the race?

Tim is always looking for new drivers, so if you think you have ice in the veins, nerves of steel and more passion than someone who is really, really passionate and still want to enter the race, strap on your fire-proof suit, pull on your helmet and hop in the driver's seat.

To apply for your driver's license, or just to chat, hang out or do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel, contact Tim at timthisisme@hotmail.com He's waiting for you.