Pop Rocks

Author: Lanford Beard

What do you get when you mix a former NFL cheerleader, Kathy Griffin and 15 walking advertisements for beer goggles?

Hint: It's a reality show, and the title "Mr. Personality" was already taken.

That's right, folks, Monday night marked new highs in dating game lows with "Average Joe."

For the first time since Dave snatched the game from the brainless and beautiful at "Paradise Hotel," television has given some long-awaited face time to persons with less aesthetic gifts.

And to top it off, we've been doubly blessed with the newly constructed mug of Kathy Griffin (you might remember her as the spunky redhead from "Suddenly Susan," or perhaps you remember her as the spunky redhead from "Celebrity Mole").

I don't know about the rest of America, but I hope this one is a keeper. Looking at the show's Web site is like being unleashed in a glitter factory ... except the glitter is a ragtag group of unkempt, unpopular fools who are capitalizing on their 13 seconds of fame in hopes of catching the lady of their dreams or just a walk-on role as the guy eating three McDonald's Happy Meals in the next Colin Farrell flick.

Our lucky leading lady is a gem named Melana Scantlin, who, according to NBC's Web site, "was a cheerleader for the Chiefs until she gave that up to focus on her participation in the Miss USA pageant during her senior year."

She's obviously aware of the commitment it takes to look good in a swimsuit and answer the tough questions like "What would you put in a time capsule to represent our time period 200 years from now?"

The real test of Melana's character will be whether she can keep her lunch down while her partner is launching into his rendition of "It's Raining Men" in the show's G-string karaoke finale. (We both know it will come to that so don't even try to pretend otherwise.)

So, I took the liberty of looking through some of the winners that are vying for the heart and soul of Ms. Scantlin, and I'm going to give you a preview:

Craig - Age 26

Occupation: I run a cigar lounge.

Describe yourself: I party like a rock star.

What would people be surprised to know about you? I once used a male enhancement product for three months and saw no results

So, friends, I leave you with these good tidings and joy. I can only hope that somewhere out there on Monday nights I know I am not alone in shamelessly enjoying (okay, I'll be a little ashamed) a "reality show" replete with exploitation.

If nothing else, I can take solace in knowing that my devilish schemes are beginning to work, and, yes - oh yes - someday the ugly shall inherit the earth.

Or, failing that, that the show will be picked up for another season, and I can pack up my things and claim my fame with "Average Jane."