T.I.M. This Is Me

Author: Tom McCann and Ryan Reese

Pressure. We hate pressure. This, being a humor column, requires that its authors bring the humor and place it here, in the column, for you to enjoy. This is hard.

Sometimes, we're sure you don't enjoy our humor, but since it's our column, we get to decide what goes in and what doesn't.

There is an expectation that this little "intro" is going to be funny, witty, clever and extremely introductory. The expectation weighs on us like the weight of the Earth on the shoulders of Atlas. It's heavy, really heavy.

Truth is, we didn't have an intro this week, so we wrote this instead.

This sentence should be a transition sentence into the next paragraph, so just imagine that it is and read on...

Tim, like all college students, has a random assortment of photos in his room. However, only three of them are visible.

One might expect to see pictures of his family, some snapshots from a trip with friends to New York, Boston, New Hampshire or Maine. You might even half-expect to see a photo of old friends from high school. Not so in Tim's room.

Why? Because they're all of him.

It's not that he loves himself. It's just that after only being in his room for 10 weeks, he's not had the time to put any more up. In fact, he hasn't put much of anything in his room.

When planning a party in his room this weekend, the lack of "stuff" threw the entire success of the event under a cloud of doubt. Tim needed more "stuff," and he needed it right away.

In search of "stuff," Tim took off to a remote location and perused the "stuff" in his friend's room.

In the end, Tim's room ended up with five soccer jerseys, two posters, a couch and a map of the world to supplement his Serengeti poster and crazy African mask complete with swim goggles.

His room was ready for the party of all parties, yet not two hours before it could have rivaled an insane asylum with its white walls and uncarpeted floor.

Now make no mistake, he does have a carpet. It's blue. It's soft. It's beautiful, and Tim loves it almost as much as he loves his atomic clock. It's not just a carpet, it's an experience.

When looking for a floor cover-upper, Tim considered a wide range of options. The first of these options was a small, thin, red carpet, which he termed 'the Ford Taurus.'

He then looked at 'the tricycle' - a square, off-white sheet with the texture of sandpaper that Tim dismissed with a look of disgust and contempt.

His favorite option was to line the floor with Astroturf, but he ended up mortgaging the house, selling the kids and splashing the cash to buy the carpet of all carpets - a thick, blue beauty that he affectionately nicknamed "the Jaguar."

My lord, he loves that Jaguar, and when the party was held, the Jaguar was nowhere to be seen. It was safe, away and free from the risk of spillage that the party presented - just how Tim wanted it.

If you want help decorating your room, hosting a party or especially choosing the carpet of your dreams, Tim's your man. You can contact him at timthisisme@hotmail.com He's waiting for you.