Author: Tom McCann and Ryan Reese
I don't think you ready for this jelly.
I don't think you ready for this jelly.
I don't think you ready for this.
Cause my body's too bootylicious for ya babe.
That's a song by Destiny's Child. Beyonce Knowles was in that group. We should write a column about her. But we probably won't - because we don't know her. But we do know Tim.
Beyonce probably doesn't play ice hockey. Tim does, but not well.
As a member of the Xi Omega Great White Yaks, Tim has frantically been preparing for the team's upcoming inaugural season.
The Yaks, whose mascot was chosen on the basis of its fierce reputation and relative obscurity, will be outfitted in midnight black, the red of freshly drawn blood and the white of a Florida orange entirely covered in Vermont snow, which is really, really white.
As a principal founder of the fine Yak organization, Tim was chiefly responsible for the selection of said Yak as the representative animal for a squad that will indubitably be forever etched in the annals of Middlebury College hockey history.
On a roster of 13 "skaters," two are from countries where ice does not form naturally, one resides in Texas - resulting in his ineligibility for the season - and another's only previous skating experience involved the near severing of his ex-girlfriend's third and fourth fingers on her left hand, several months of physical therapy and permanent partial movement.
When searching for an appropriate adjective to describe the young Yak club, "not awesome" comes to mind. Despite this minor deficiency in talent, Tim and his brethren are optimistic about the upcoming season.
While Tim and his team may not score many goals this season, on a personal level, Tim is turning his hopes and dreams into reality every day.
While most might describe their life goals as achieving superstardom in a clutch sporting performance, amassing a fortune in investment banking, finding the cure for that one really bad disease or simply settling down in a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence, 2.3 kids and an attractive spouse, Tim's simply relate to the collision of particles ejected from a solar discharge and the Earth's ionosphere.
While others may never fully realize their dream, Tim's was fulfilled Thursday night. Through the brilliant pinks, reds, greens and purples that danced across the cloudless night sky, Tim's mind raced as he contemplated the grace and glory, the beauty and majesty and the unparalleled Creation of Science.
Since Tim is so awesome at making dreams come true, he can surely help you in your personal pursuit of happiness.
If you wanna be happy and you know it, e-mail Tim.
If you wanna be happy and you know it, e-mail Tim.
If you wanna be happy and you know it, and you really wanna show it,
If you wanna be happy and you know it, e-mail Tim.
That's another song - but not by Beyonce. She sings other songs.
E-mail timthisisme@hotmail.com. He's waiting for you.
This Is Me
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