The Deserted Bandwagon

Author: Matt Kunzweiler

I couldn't point to an exact date or place, but somewhere in the not-so-distant past, the '80s lost their endearing retro glimmer and many of us have grown blasé about the prospect of finding the neon clothing in our closets and getting into costume for another uninventive theme party. It was fun at first, but thanks to some relentless party-planners at this college, there is an '80s party every weekend. And now look what they've done: the music, the dress, the attitude - all dead, beyond recovery.

It's true that we love to dress up like idiots (some people do it every day without even knowing it). But there's more to it than that. I believe that many of us have a secret lust for trashy pop music, but we are afraid to admit it.

However, we are able to satisfy this desire by listening to '80s trashy pop music, as we feel there is a crucial degree of detachment. We can look down on it and laugh because the genre is dated. We moved on and the music didn't. We are not expected to take the songs seriously, but we still reel from the forbidden enjoyment of listening to bad pop - the type of music that would be unacceptable to play in any other context. So we can stroll into 80s parties and congratulate each other for our second hand clothing while some jerk on the dance floor makes a depressing attempt at the robot.

I missed the '80s the first time around, since I spent most of my time learning to read, standing in time out, jumping on trampolines and stumbling around in a giddy euphoria induced by abusing my asthma inhaler, which is now off the market.

So when the '80s Revival began a few years ago, I was readily on board. I thought that I could finally experience those magical years by stepping into a foreign image and dancing to goofy songs I never remember being popular. But my glee proved short-lived. For me, there isn't any nostalgia tied to the music, the dress or the image. The decade is essentially meaningless to me and I feel like an imposter when I steal someone else's style.

If I found out that a 12-year-old thought it was funny to dress up in flannel and listen to Nirvana, I'd probably suckerpunch him. I couldn't tolerate that type of disrespect. And I'm sure that if more Gen-Xers knew about our little fun, they'd drive their VW Golfs straight to campus and box our ears.

But with the death of the '80s, a new retro obsession must be found. And many people are shifting to (big surprise) the '90s to get their fix. VH1 has already purchased the exclusive rights to the entire decade, and I want nothing to do with it. Instead, I'm throwing a Nihilist party this weekend.