Clandestine Mission

Author: Alex Garlick

The objective was clear - find out exactly what the admissions department is telling prospective students and their families on the campus tours that weave through campus several times daily. The mission was tricky, but straightforward - disguise a current Middlebury student as a prospective candidate and get on one of those tours to get a candid look at what really goes on. I volunteered for the job thinking that I, being a new Feb, would be the perfect man for the clandestine operation. The purpose of doing this undercover was so that the Admissions office could not prepare by throwing me their best tour guide, just as a baseball manager would use his ace in the postseason. We also did not want the tour guide to doctor the tour simply because a Campus writer would be reporting.

On the big day I did everything I could to transform myself back into a high schooler. I shaved, combed my hair, decided to forgo wearing my favorite hat - being bright purple I feared it would blow my cover - and then I put on my most eager, overwhelmed expression and made my way to the Emma Willard House. Unfortunately things got off to a rocky start. At the admissions office, I caught a glance of the first tour guide, and it was my Feb Orientation leader, who doubles as one of my best friends on campus. This would have been a complete disaster, if not for the fact that the next tour guide was cheerful, innocent and most importantly - completely unknown to me. I decided to make her my target.

I have to say that my tour guide Caroline, a freshman Art History major from Atwater Commons, did an excellent job even as I listened with a very critical ear. Needless to say the tour was not uneventful. At the tour's start our guide was faced with an immediate challenge posed by leaf blowers, big rig trucks and other generators of intense noise that drowned out even her loudest voice. This was compounded by the fact that all the adults over 50 seemed to have lost their sense of hearing - my guess was that they were still stunned from hearing the comprehensive fee in the information session that preceded the tour.

The first thing that struck me about the tour was that it seems like every building mentioned on campus is either centuries old or "brand spankin'" new. I did my best to keep my mouth shut as much as possible, but it was almost too much to ask for the birth date of, say FIC, if not just to see the tour guide squirm in confusion. However I could not resist when we were in the library (just opened in 2004) at a time when the place was emptier than I have ever seen, so I chirped in with my most sarcastic "This looks nice, but does anyone ever come here?" The tour guide looked around nervously to discover that the only life forms present were at the references desk, before sheepishly offering, "Oh yeah! Tons of people do." It was a mean trick but I could not resist.

Next, the tour weaved to Battell Hall to offer a look at first-year housing. This was always one of my favorite parts of campus tours back in the day, and this one did not disappoint. First of all, why they choose to show Battell is beyond me, I guess they are looking for the "Well, at least it doesn't get any worse than this in your four years on campus!" angle. Unfortunately our tour guide's desired room to show off was occupied by a napper, and she was forced to go to plan B, choosing an unoccupied room down the hall. I chose to watch the faces of my fellow tourees as they entered the room. The kids peeked at the closet and room dimensions with a look of "Well, this wasn't exactly what I was dreaming of, but I'll guess it'd be fun." The parents took one look at a half empty case of beer on the ground and looked like they wanted to say, "Can we go over the campus' alcohol policy one more time?"

There were also a few of those moments that only occur on campus tours. Poor Caroline was almost blindsided by an aggressive long boarder, who swerved just in time thereby avoiding what would have been one of the better accident reports of all time. In response to questions about the red and blue tree art projects she could only explain, "Well I guess that's just Middlebury." Then there was the fellow with a crazy haircut (I do not want to generalize, but I have a suspicion he may have been a member of the Ultimate Frisbee squad) who walked past the group whispering "Come to Middlebury... You better come to Middlebury" to nervously smiling tour members. There was also another near catastrophe as Caroline (walking backwards, of course) almost took a complete digger by the car barrier at Adirondack circle - saved only by the only attentive member in the group who alerted her just in time. I was being attentive and noticed it too, except I was rooting for her to eat it if only because I could have put this story in the running for a Pulitzer prize to document the instance when a tour guide finally fell walking backwards. These tour guides are amazing - they possess the backpedaling ability of an NFL cornerback. In fact, if the Steelers had cornerbacks who could backpedal that well they probably would have made it to the Super Bowl.

Also, it is interesting how often random events on these tours can mold one's impression of a campus. My group witnessed an Italian class playing bocce outside Pearsons, their professor jabbering away at them, something I had never seen before but which they will all assume is a regular occurrence. They also probably think it's normal for random students to see a tour group passing then point and laugh, because that is what was happening as I was starting to get recognized. My friends usually could be turned away when I shushed them, but more than one was like, "What are you doing on a tour, man?"

Luckily, my cover was never blown. To tell you the truth I learned some things I never knew about campus besides the fact that all Italian classes play bocce outside on beautiful days. For instance I did not know that Ross was the designated dining hall for jocks while Proctor is reserved for hippies. I had suspicions before, but the tour guide cleared it up for me. How about the fact that McCardell Bicentennial Hall has the largest window in Vermont? Quite the deal closer for new students. I also completely changed my opinion of the commons system because Caroline's Harry Potter Hogwarts analogy just made so much sense. It was also very thought provoking - I live in Brainerd, does that mean I would be in Hufflepuff, or is it Ravenclaw? The only thing I figured out while I was wandering was that Ross would be Slytherine.

I cannot say that the tour guide told many lies, although she did gloss over certain topics. For instance one man asked if every first-year lives in exclusively first-year housing, to which she answered "yes" without hesitation. I wanted to blurt out "NO! I'm a freshman and I live in upperclassmen housing!" but then I realized that the questioning looks I would get from everyone else on the tour would have been more concerned with, "What the hell are you doing on the tour?" rather than "Wow, upperclassmen housing for first-years, that sounds cool."

By the end of the tour I was almost ready to bust out my common application one more time, before I realized that I'm already here, so I do not have to a-pply in order to eat all the Ben & Jerry's ice cream I want. The tour also gave me a hankering to find that bookstore and get a Middlebury Sweatshirt.