The Deserted Bandwagon

Author: MATT KUNZWEILER

I open a Magic Hat and check the underside of the bottle cap to see if I might chance upon some succinct and inspirational advice. It reads, "Those who Share are Free of Care." I consider this for a second and realize why white people don't make fortune cookies - we would just end up sounding stupid. Fortune cookies warrant respect because they sound like tidbits of bona fide Eastern wisdom (or something), and if they don't make sense or are phrased strangely, we just assume that something was lost in the translation. But I guess I can't fault Magic Hat all that much. White people had to give this fortune cookie business a try sooner or later, if for no other reason than just to confirm our own self-doubts. Well, Magic Hat, your efforts have been commendable, but stick to brewing. And maybe take it easy on the fruity flavoring. Especially the apricot.

Alright, one paragraph and one beer done. If I can maintain this trend and keep my paragraphs short, I might even end up at McCullough tonight. New message - "Expand your View with things that are New." Well, that's an adorable way of rephrasing a cliché. And what's with the capitalized words? It's not like these bottle caps are 18th century essays dealing with Nature, Truth and Art. This pretension is totally unnecessary.

"Don't Throw Stones at Other's Bones." What about self defense? And who writes these things anyway? The CEO's stoner of a nephew who failed out of college after a semester and a half? Was this job created for him totally out of sympathy? These sayings are so stupid that they are preventing me from fully enjoying the beer. I'd rather find a hair floating inside the bottle than this painful vapidity hanging from the underside of the cap.

"Enjoy a 9 when you Dine."But at least these aren't as stupid as Sobe caps, which substitute "lizard" for every noun in pop culture sayings. Examples - "Livin' la vida lizard," "Talk to the lizard," "This party is off the lizard," "A lizard saved is a lizard earned," etc, etc, etc, shoot me.

"The Weird should never be Feared." Counterpoint - one time in Vancouver I gave a bum an American one dollar bill and he started chasing me with a broken beer bottle, blaming me for the Cold War.

"One Always Pounces on our 12 Fluid Ounces." In middle school, did anyone else get those fortune cookies that always had the same fortune, "Say no to drugs"? Those were so lame. I was always expecting a fortune I could add "in bed" to the end of - instead I was stuck with a trite anti-drug slogan. But these "fortunes" still had lotto numbers on the back. Anti-drug but pro-gambling...mixed messages for the kiddies.

"Hey big Shot, your breath is Rot." Wisdom doesn't rhyme. Otter Creek Brewing would never patronize me like this.