Rural Banter

Author: ERICA GOODMAN

Time to topple an old country myth and let sleeping cows lie.

Perhaps it is my role as token farmer among my friends. Maybe it is due to my ag pride, expressed through cow-covered t-shirts and Farm Bureau bumper stickers adorning my walls. You see, time and again, friends have looked to me to unlock possibly the greatest mystery of farm country: Can one really "tip" a cow?

The tale goes like this: Country kiddies with nothing better to do on their Saturday nights meander into the nearest pasture. With the power of old Moonshine as their guide, the rowdy bunch uses all their cumulative might to ram into the side of a sleeping cow. The snoozing lady is propelled to the ground, from standing stable on all fours to wiggling her legs in the air like an upturned fly. The young'uns run away laughing with enough entertainment to last until next weekend's revelries.

When confronted with the question of whether or not a massive bovine can actually fall with a simple human shove, people provide the vaguest responses. They shrug their shoulders in uncertainty while simultaneously giving a confirming nod. "My friend's second cousin's girlfriend's brother saw his neighbor's nephew tip a Holstein over once."

The answer, from a scientific perspective, might very well be that "tipping a cow" is feasible. If the point of push were the cow's hip, and the pivot point her opposite back hoof, the simple physics of levers and torque can be applied to determine the amount of force required to topple her over. With enough muscle, the old broad will tumble.

Although I have yet to witness a cow-tipping attempt, I am very skeptical of this simple equation. Cows are heavy - the average mature dairy cow weighs in at approximately 1,500 pounds - making them as easy to take down as a low-built piece of solid concrete statuary. You may huff and puff and ram into the side of her as much as you want, but chances are the lady won't budge.

Spend enough time around cows and you will also understand that they only fall into a deep slumber while lying down. What might appear as sleep is merely a cat nap while chewing their cud. And I would hate to be the poor soul who dares to push over a standing bovine. Though they appear timid, cows are a surly lot. Farmers suffer more broken ribs and bruised sides than the Middlebury Men's Rugby team. Even I have suffered the pains of these temperamental beasts - I was once dragged through the dust at a county fair by an unruly runaway heifer.

But let fiction remain fiction and the truth come to light - cow-tipping is nothing mor than an amusing tail.