the deserted bandwagon

Author: Matt Kunzweiler

Did the Facebook.com redefine the word "friend" while no one was paying attention? Because from the looks of it, I don't have many. I signed onto my account today for the first time in a while, and it looks like the Facebook has deemed me unpopular. This is my fourth year at Middlebury and what do I have to show for it? 71 friends. That's it. And I haven't even met three of them. Apparently, my social skills need some work. Maybe I'll start popping my collar and pretend I follow baseball...

But wait. Where have all the cool kids gone? Oh that's right, to their rooms to sit in front of their computers. In this brave new world where the Facebook gauges your popularity, the most popular students are the ones who spend the most time on the Internet.

Has anyone stopped to think about the implications? There's now a high school Facebook, and the long-standing high school social stratus is subsequently facing a bizarre overhaul. I mean, I always thought that the kids in high school who spent too much time at their computers were the ones hanging from lockers by their tighty-whities. But according to the rules of the Facebook, they'll have more friends than anyone else. So they'll be the popular ones? One must wonder, who is left to be hanging from lockers by their underwear? Kids who can't afford computers? This is wrong.

Let's take a look at the man behind the scheme. Did Mark Zuckerberg, the Harvard boy who created this fundamentally antisocial directory, have any idea of what he was doing? I advise you to search for him on Facebook and take a look at his photo. You'll immediately agree that he looks like a screeching dork.

We can't let Mark Zuckerberg redefine "friend." Granted, I've never met him - but just look at his photo! He wouldn't recognize a friend if one slapped him on the back. Such a gesture would surely startle him and disrupt him from squashing the spider to win a FREE* iPod Nano.

And look at what he's done to Middlebury's unsuspecting first-years. He has them desperately racking up hundreds of "friends" faster than any other class, treating Facebook like it's some sort of social aptitude test. Do these first-years even know collegiate friendship outside Facebook? Or have some been so irretrievably brainwashed that when they meet someone without an account, they wonder, But without it, how can you have political interests or favorite music or friends? What are you?

Mark Zuckerberg wants to turn human beings into baseball cards

You must refuse to live life on his terms. Think about it - if you really were "Looking For: Friendship" (which I'm glad you stated because otherwise I'd think you were actively avoiding it), then leave your room. And no, I don't think it's hilarious that you're "Married To" your best friend at Cornell. And for the record, don't make a new Facebook group every time you find yourself part of an inside joke - it's just what Mark wants and it's insufferable.