Ball 5

Author: Justin Golenbock

Don't think I enjoy this. Don't think I wouldn't much rather return to the sand dunes of Qatar camel racing. Or Adirondack Mountain Unicycling tour (UMX). Or even Canadian Underwater Hockey (invented in 1954 by an English scuba instructor…obviously). But it's not like the mainstream media really invests much time in covering New England sports, so really, what choice do I have? I fill a need.

Which is why it has been a stunning oversight, an absolute atrocity even, that the Boston Celtics have played three games into their young season (1-2) before I've forced myself to sit and (dis)honestly preview their 2005-2006 season. And before I begin, yes, the NBA did take a bit of a hit to its image this off-season, with gossipy controversies like its new dress code, Ron Artest's return, and the celebratory excesses of Shaquille O'Neal's 10-year anniversary bash for the release of "Shaq-Fu" (still available at a select number of videogame outlets…he used to be cool). But it's high time we brought the focus back on the court.

First and foremost: all 17 remaining Celtic fans painfully witnessed Mark Blount mail-it-in last year, in the first year of his new contract, crippling his team's expensive frontcourt in the process. He needed (another) new beginning this year. So to re-illustrate his real priorities to the fans, the first thing Blount did this preaseason was announce to reporters that he was changing the pronunciation of his name to "Blunt" (going so far as to spell it out). I wish I were funny enough to have made that up.

Secondably, I don't really want to pick on Brian Scalabrine. I mean, he's 6'-9" and weighs 250 pounds. But he's also the most obnoxiously goofy redhead to ever grace a basketball court (Walton's already started to grey). More notably, he's too weak to defend the four, too slow to get his shot and too painful-looking to appear in nationally televised games. Sound harsh? Not for 15 million Danny Ainge dollars, it isn't.

But one announcement I'll go so far as to make may just save the season: Al Jefferson has officially been accepted into the class of "professional athletes younger than myself whose jerseys I feel comfortable wearing in public" (he earns his drinking card on the first day of J-Term…Angela's, be there). Though Delonte West may evidence a slightly-too-public display of what some of us refer to as "the herpes," any 22-year-old point guard who leads his team in blocked shots, while also top-three in points, assists and steals, is something special. Paul Pierce hasn't been knifed in three years, Raef Lafrentz's knee has been upgraded to "better than my own" and in the words of Chris Farley's Superfan, "their defense is like a brick wall…you can't go t'rough 'em." So what's not to like? I'm gonna have to predict…Celtics…72 wins. Rest of the NBA…zip.