Ball 5

Author: Justin Golenbock

The most phenomenal trend in the NFL this season has been the increasing emergence of Clinton Portis as my favorite human being. While re-watching the tape of his newest pre-game alter ego, "Coach Janky-Spanky," I realized that there was something startingly familiar with the name he chose: it was coined at my summer camp by six year-old Maggie Hirschwitz, who applied it towards assistant director Niall Sullivan '06 (ask him who his director is). Coincidence or no, what has been refreshing about Clinton Portis and his eccentric and esoteric "coterie" of characters (including his "Southeast Jerome" vampire get-up and some weird fashion blend of a Prince wig and Star Trek visors) is how child-like his costumes have been and how little influenced his costume performances (which have included props like capes, oversized plastic sunglasses, and a balloon headset) have been by the frustrated and bemused reporters assigned to pull quotes from him.

Maybe our own Campus Goodwoman is spot-on when she says campers are burning trees to play soccer or whatever, but in my humble opinion, kids like Maggie represent the innocent side of sport, and Portis's quirkiness taps into that. Plus I'd never get paid for anything without summer camp. But…panning back to topic…what Portis really needs, besides the Super Bowl ring he'll never get, is his own reality TV show. I mean, come on, would ESPN really need more of a premise than following Portis around with a camera? This is the same network, after all, that's reportedly negotiating with mouthy Bengals receiver Chad Johnson to create a show where Johnson travels through all 50 states challenging everyone and anyone to try and stop him "Take it to the House" (reportedly the name of the show).

Now admittedly I'd watch Johnson's show, because how awesome will his face look when Ned from Sales taps his latent potential for 30 golden seconds, but do sports fans need any more boring "Behind the Scenes" shows airing speeches by dominant players and inspirational head coaches (who sound a lot like inspirational camp coaches)? No. They can watch Brady and Belichek every Sunday. What they really need is someone interesting and fresh who does things for no absolutely no reason: Clinton Portis.

So when this show materializes, thank me, because I won't be getting a cent of the royalties. I mean, come on, I'm an Ideas man. The Associated Press even refused my request as an objective journalist for a Hall of Fame ballot [to get Jim Rice in], so clearly ever since the Eagles read Ball 5 and immediately resigned TO I've been losing influence. I mean, at least put him on the sidelines if the Redskins lose…can you imagine Joe Buck or John Madden responding to Coach Janky-Spanky's analysis of Tony Dungy's 46 zone blitz? Comedy gold, that's all I'm saying.