The Deserted Bandwagon

Author: Matt Kunzweiler

I attended high school in Canada, where a "university" is a four-year institution and a "college" is a two-year community college. So on the day I graduated from high school, when asked by my friends' parents about my post-secondary plans I told them I'd be attending Middlebury - and I carefully omitted the word "College". But since none of the parents had heard of this Middlebury, they asked, "And is that a university?"

"Well, technically speaking, it's a college - but in the US, you have to understand that 'college' doesn't necessarily mean-"

"A college, well good for you, Matt. Good for you. We know you tried hard in school."

"No. It's not a college in the sense you're thinking of. This place has a good reputation in the States."

"We're sure it does, Matt. We're sure it does."

And over the last break, I was faced with that same brand of patronization when these same parents asked me what I was "doing for work these days."

"I don't have a job right now; I won't be graduating until this May."

"It's sure taking you a long time to graduate from that college of yours."

"Okay, seriously. Listen to me. It's a four-year-"

"As long as you get that diploma, Matt, it doesn't matter how long it takes."

"You know what?" I said, realizing they'd always regard me as being slower than the average bear (and with good reason - my high school behavior wasn't exactly refined). "You're right. I mean, I try my darndest, but it's probably taking me so long to graduate because I'm only enrolled in one class at a time. The College officially considers me a 'special student.' I even have special parking privileges. But one day I'll get that diploma and then I'll show 'em."

"Bless you, child."

But when these parents find out how much tuition costs for me to study English (which, come on, I should've learned by now), all their suspicions are confirmed: without question, I must be a very special boy at a very special institution - "special" being used in the most remedial sense possible. So with everyone's expectations of me set so low, I might as well play the role of idiot…just like all my friends at the Canadian universities. But most of these friends - at least the male ones who study engineering - are idiots because they drink so heavily. But I can't blame the poor number-crunching geeks. In Canadian universities you're pretty much confined to the faculty you have chosen - academically and socially. And the typical faculty of engineering boasts an 18 to 1 male to female ratio. So romantically crestfallen dudes just sit around and get drunk. Occasionally, one or two grow up and channel their romantic frustration through Freudian sublimation and create an impressive cultural achievement such as a tower, obelisk, skyscraper, rocket ship, zeppelin or some other phallic feat of engineering. But knowing my friends, I'd be impressed if one designed a bike horn.

At least when all is said and done, the parents of my high school friends will still champion the kids who attended university - and I'll always be the very special boy who took four years to graduate from college.