The Deserted Bandwagon

Author: Matt Kunzweiler

The Cyber Space is the kewlest place on campus. Hands down. In case you're not privy, The Cyber Space is the Internet station located behind the Juice Bar. The décor couldn't be any more mid-90s.

When I was 12, the mid-90s were in full swing - and I could've spent endless hours in a place like The Cyber Space, AIMing everyone on my buddy list to tell them what a "kewl" hangout spot I had found - a room decorated like the lobby of a laser tag arena. And every 12-year-old knows laser tag is super kewl.

But in the year 2006, I'm 22 and "kewl" is (or at least should be) a pejorative term. I'm almost ashamed to be spotted checking my e-mail there.

The tour guides love to boast about BiHall to prospective families - especially the big east-facing window, which is (are you ready to hear this?) The Largest Window in Vermont. Honestly though, this window is just as much a source of shame as The Cyber Space.

First off, it's probably the most pathetic claim to fame I've ever heard - and proof that this school has a little-man complex. "Yeah, we may be a small rural college, but we've got The Largest Window in Vermont. Suck it, Harvard."

Second off, it's not even a single window - but many windows next to each other. If this seriously counts as one window, then I can stand on the shoulders of a friend and declare, "I am the tallest man in the world!"

Tour guides, you brag about an illusion. The window you believe in doesn't even exist. Maybe the senior class gift should've been a real window of the same size - then we could make this BiHall window fiasco a little less depressing.

Instead, the senior class gift is Bio-Diesel Midd Rides Van. Which sounds like a hippie bus to me. My class's legacy is a stoner wagon. It better have fog-tinted windows, a bed in the back, a hookah fastened to the floor, beaded curtains and shag carpeting on the floor, ceiling and walls. And it better have the same paint job as The Mystery Machine - and come with a talking dog addicted to psilocybin.

Of course, my class decided it would rather donate a hippie bus than blue light emergency call boxes - the other senior gift nominee. I'm fine with this decision, because I think the College (and I know this sounds crazy) should finance such basic safety equipment on its own…instead of waiting for a senior class to donate it. Do they expect the students to donate fire extinguishers? Hydrants? Public Safety officers?

Fact is, students complain that there are no blue lights visible from the middle of campus. But recently I realized there are - you can actually find six of them in the campus' most centrally located building. Of course, they're hanging from the ceiling of The Cyber Space. Which means that the most visible blue lights on campus aren't intended to prevent rape, but to improve the ambiance of a lame internet cafe.