The Deserted Bandwagon

Author: MATT KUNZWEILER

An article in the latest issue of Rolling Stone mentions how several universities and colleges around the country have disciplined or expelled students for incriminating Facebook profiles (i.e. ones which show photographic evidence of underage drinking). In one case, two students at Boston's Fisher College were expelled for co-creating a Facebook group which derided a campus security officer. And at a Christian university in Arkansas, a student was expelled because his Facebook profile divulged the fact that he was gay.

In this post-privacy age of wiretaps and hyperbolic fear-based vocabulary, it looks like some of America's post-secondary institutions are doing their part to contribute to the Orwellian dystopia. And it makes sense. Students often complain that colleges and universities - ivory towers of academia - are so far removed from the realities of the outside world that, upon graduation, students often experience severe difficulty in readjusting. The schools that have used Facebook to discipline students recognize that their campuses must be more representational of the real America - where, right now, Big Brother is hot.

Obviously Middlebury is lagging in this collegiate race towards perfect policing. What kind of bleeding-edge policing resources do we have? Only two: the new liquor inspector (that wily arbiter of beer-league justice) and Mac Gray (the evil laundry syndicate, with the slogan: "The Future is Gray").

Maybe Middlebury needs to get with the times and ride high on this new wave of totalitarianism. But because of the protest-prone student body at this college, there's no way the authorities here could ever use Facebook to purge the campus of all freaks and dissenters. However, if we order a preemptive strike, we can strategically rid the campus of all future students who would potentially have a problem with the College's eventual goal of totalitarianism.

It won't be difficult to bring the College up to speed: we encourage the admissions office to tap into the high school version of the Facebook and cross-reference applicants' formal profiles with their Facebook profiles, thus determining the sincerity/authenticity of their résumés and personal essays - which, traditionally, are vainglorious samples of absurdist fiction. Using Facebook's unique technology, within four years we can actually make Middlebury 100 percent freak-free. If an applicant's profile shows preference for the Rocky Horror Picture Show: she's out. Atlas Shrugged: he's in. Nirvana: out. John Mellencamp: in. Skateboarding: out. Tom Clancy: in. Aqua Teen: out. Father Knows Best: in.

And someone else will be in charge of looking through the applicants' Facebook photographs. That way we can thin out the kids who have visible tattoos, interesting hair or ironic facial expressions. But why stop there? Let's reject the ugly kids. If a student isn't beautiful enough to be in the Middlebury view book (that J. Crew catalogue), he or she is not beautiful enough to attend Middlebury. We get so many applicants, and we reject like 85 percent of them - let's just make sure the uglies are in that slice.

Within four years, everyone will play sports, drive Audis and abuse Adderall. Sure, WRMC will be defunct. And the ultimate frisbee team will no longer exist - but that's for the best: the superabundance of beautiful students can use the empty space on Battell Beach for sun-tanning their sculpted bodies.

This program will ensure a bright future for the College -- just so long as nobody abuses the technology.